Adventures... new and old

Long time

2009-10-20T22:51:00.002-04:00

Well, its been a few months since I've been back here. And a lot has gone on. I think I needed a break. I can't promise I'll be back regularly, but I wanted to come back and update on life.

Life, which has been a complete adventure lately. Full of mostly good things. I've fallen in love. We worked together in DC (we were stuck there for a week working a really boring convention), and have become inseparable. Well, except for now, as he's stuck in Mexico for work. It has been an amazing almost two months at this point. The time has flown by, and we feel like we've known each other for ages. Its a big refreshing after all that I've been through with guys in the past. I'm happy to not be dealing with the constant disappointments that I've lived through lately. It seems we never get tired of talking to each other, and cover any and every topic. It feels good, it feels different, and I'm amazingly happy.

Work is less than fun lately. I'm ready to be done and moving on. The days in the office are tedious, and because I'm back in school, the chance to head out on the road isn't there any longer. I'm searching ads and looking for options in a more culinary focus field. I'm also starting research on starting my own baking company. I spent my weekend making candy corn (which were such fun - its like playing with sugar playdough!) and peanut butter balls for halloween treats. And got to thinking, well, maybe I can sell this stuff. Along with Christmas cookies, and the other candies I make (I'm going to try molded caramels this upcoming weekend). People have always mentioned to me that I should, so I'm going to start researching and trying to come up with a name for myself and design features and website and all that fun stuff. I'm excited about the new adventure this could be. And hope I can make a reality out of it.

So, hopefully I can make a better stab about being here a bit more regularly again. Its been nice to have a break, but I miss my writing and I miss your comments. (on the knitting front, I have six projects on the needles right now - a baby blanket, the Central Park Hoodie, the Somewhat Cowl, the Sizzle Tank, a cowl, and a swirl scarf... and I need to get another scarf made to match my new winter coat... But the last thing I need to buy is more yarn... the corner of my living room has literally been taken over by my stash.)

Happy Middle of the week!

A birthday sugar rush

2009-07-29T12:36:00.003-04:00

My birthday was a giant sugar rush, from start to finish.

I awoke to chocolate covered strawberries being delivered by room service, accompanied by a bottle of bubby and chocolate covered cheesecake too. (I only ate a few of the strawberries to start my day and have the rest waiting for me to enjoy later today). There is an interesting story of me ignoring the knocks on the door while I chatted with the friend who had sent the tray of goodies and having security barging in the door thinking I was laying dead or something in the room and not just ignoring the door (thinking it was just room service wanting to make my bed).

I followed that up with a waffle, covered in what the mass market refers to as maple syrup (aka maple flavored corn syrup).

I got to work, and was greeted by two dozen of these:

(cupcakes from the Cupcakery)

I was mostly good though, and only at a 2.25 of them over the course of the day. :) My favorite was the german chocolate (capped by pecans and filled with caramel-y coconut filling).

When I got back to my room last night, I was met by cookies and milk, left by the hotel in honor my birthday. I knew at that point that I had consumed too much sugar over the course of the day and refrained from indulgence.

Tomorrow starts the final run of the conference and load out. I'm excited to return home and sleep in my own bed again. I am wishing I could take a day or two off to recover, rather than the diving right into the next show that I have on the burners. At least the money is better when doing another show.

And for now, I count down the minutes until an unlikely nap.... I should have partied harder of my birthday to feel this tired...

Staying entertained...

2009-07-27T15:56:00.003-04:00

I'm trying my hardest to stay entertained while here in Dallas. Aside of the speech comments that keep me entertained (did you know that your mascara is as much of a necessity as bread and water??) I've managed to fit in some fun as well. I saw the Aerosmith/ZZ Top

concert last weekend. It was the first time in a long time that a lighting and video design actually made me say wow. And at several points during the show.

I've also had the chance to attend a bubbly wine tasting, which was quite entertaining. I sampled quite a few enjoyable bottles, and several I hope to never taste again. It was held at a small wine shop and winery here in Dallas -

yes, they make their own wine there. They don't grow the grapes, but rather process and blend them and bottle three varieties of wine. Paired with some exotic cheeses, it made for an enjoyable night.

I also got to sneak away last night and do some low key cooking. Nothing stressful, but a quick salad of watermelon, jicama and heirloom tomatoes and a quick saute of yukon gold potatoes with a touch of garlic and lemon. The hosts provided a nicely sweet and spicy grilled pork tenderloin. Making a perfect light, yet filling summer meal. The best part being fresh veggies after weeks of eating restaurant and (not so good) catering food.

I also managed to finish off a hat for mom, and mailed it off. It fits and is a great color for her. Alas she did comment that it makes her look bald... but it made me look bald when I tried it on, and I have hair that hangs half way down my back. I've finished up the first of my socks and cast on for the second. I think the next pair I do will be two at a time though. We'll see. I've got lots of things I've recently added to my I want to make this list. Its getting unwieldy!

We're on our second to last run of the show. Day one is almost over with. At the moment we're in the drawn out part where I think somewhere in the area of 1500 women are dancing across the stage. And man are they excited to be here... I'm in an odd place about it. Its my last week here in Texas after 4 weeks with the same people, in the same hotel room, on the same stage, so it will be odd to say goodbye come next monday. Also, tomorrow is my 31st birthday, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'll be stuck doing set changes and wearing a tux (with tails) to celebrate. I think the biggest part of my celebration with be going out to get some breakfast before show call. I do wonder what this next year of life has in store for me... a return to school for the fall quarter? or a big show that will allow me to work for a bit and save the money to pay for school without loans and debt? Huh, I think I'm thinking too much about what is maybe, perhaps, might be going to happen...

Shine On!

2009-07-19T17:58:00.003-04:00

Or so says the motto of this convention. We finished up the first round of events (only four more repeats to go). There were over 5000 women present, and will be that many at each of the following four too. And some of them earn commission checks of over $40k a month. Selling make up, and encouraging others to sell more makeup. Its craziness. They have a formal awards night, where the women break out all of the jewels (in some cases, it looks like they wear everything they've ever won from their sales all at once), and their fancy dresses (which range from the overly sparkled, to the bad bridesmaids dresses and former prom spectaculars) and walk across the stage and get crowned queen in some cases. Its all a very interesting thing to watch. Or in my case hide in my corner from as to not get trampled by women who are very excited to be up on stage (a phenomenon I don't understand).

I did get quite a bit of knitting done. I finished up the hank of yarn I had purchased to make my cowl, only to realize I need more yarn. So, I'm hoping that they still have that color at the store I bought it at. And I started in on a hat for mom (seeing as I did promise her hats back in March). I'm hoping to finish up the hat and get the sock done (and then not get second sockitis).

Aside of the normal everyday issues of working through my craziness and learning the fine art of trusting and faith and letting go, life continues on. I'm trying to figure out plans to get home to Boston for mid September (having not seen more than my immediate family in almost five years, I figure I should make every effort to appear at the upcoming wedding). And wondering what work has in store for me for the coming months.

2009-07-14T20:51:00.002-04:00

I feel like I have so many thoughts of things I want to express when I am not near my computer. And then when I am near to it, I promptly can't remember any of the things I wanted to write. Such is the life of the never ending days.

Bullet points:
* I've opened a moving light hospital this week... its called Moving Light Memorial General. I have all of my spare lights broken at one point this week. And not all of them are fully repaired just yet.

* I've had moments of complete despair and hatred for my job this week, combined with moments of this is why I enjoy doing this for a living.

* I've met a great new friend, who is so like me and so different from me at the same time its uncanny. And several more whom I really enjoy.

* I have my next position lined up - and get to work the weekend following my return to Chicago on a job there. Not the call to join Sir Paul at Fenway Park I was hoping for, but its still work. And in all actuality joining Sir Paul might have been a bit awkward, as my ex Rick (who I lived with for years in Vegas) and C are both on the crew. Which should be interesting enough in and of itself. I sure hope they don't befriend each other or anything of that sort... Or even talk, as conclusions I came to about my time with R that C knows about never need to be told to R.

* I started working on the All Over Town Cowl, and I think I'm going to run out of yarn before I'm done. Sad. I'll have to start searching for the colorway I have so I can finish it. I love what I chose, and its the perfect color combo for me.

* I look very masculine when in tails. (the formal wear that is)

* Eating huge meals late at night is a very bad idea and means I sleep horribly and wake up in a bad mood.

* In 14 days I turn 31. ACK!

So I think thats about it. At least for this evening.

Dallas.... week one

2009-07-10T17:00:00.002-04:00

I'm losing track of the days. I can't remember what day of the week it is. We're working days that start at 7 am and end around 11 pm. Its been... well, interesting. The personalities of the locals get to me in some cases. But luckily, for the most part, I enjoy working with the show staff and have found some new friends in being here. I've had some good food, I've had some long nights, I've had some moments where I wanted to run away screaming, I've had moments where I have screamed (although not at anyone, just at the situation and it was more of just a guttural release), I've had moments where I've seen that everything really is bigger in Texas (we had 7 ounce freeze pops the other day).

I've been told I'll have tales to tell of the formal wear that the women wear to the awards banquet. I'm hoping I'll have tales to tell of cute cowboys... if I ever find any that is. (there is a western store next door to my hotel, and I'm looking forward to finding a new pair of boots).

Other than long days, I've not had much time for anything. Hopefully that will change now that we are into rehearsal mode. And I finally have internet access!

Fly Day, tomorrow

2009-06-30T22:58:00.003-04:00

I'm off to Dallas tomorrow. Maybe I'll be better about keeping up with my posting from there. I feel so disconnected from the blog world these days. I think its a symptom of the slight depression I'm suffering from when I am at home. The loss of interest in things that you enjoy part. Its bugging me, and I want to get back to a regular posting schedule. I think it helps me to have the release, the place to vent my feelings out. I need that right now, as I don't have the support system of real life people to vent to. Especially where I'm off to work in Dallas, with a group of guys, none of whom I'm overly friendly with.

I had a decent weekend in Chicago. I ventured out to the beach to meet up with some people I know. It was great to sit in the sun, but I have the oddest sunburn on my back. I learned that you can't adequately cover your back with sunscreen by yourself, even when using those new continuous spray bottles of SPF. I missed some odd shaped areas. Luckily, I didn't stay out too long, and it wasn't too painful of a sunburn. I followed that up with a trip to the - which is a huge event here in the city. It was an ok time... perhaps had I had some of my fellow chefs with me, it might have been better. I had two decent samples, fried raviolis - how can you go wrong, and crispy noodle shrimp - another hard to mess up option. But my third sample was not even passably edible. They seemed to be selling lots, so I risked it and went for the unusual at the Latin restaurant, and tried the banana pork dumpling. Bad mistake. Not a good combo at all. I don't know why I thought it would be - perhaps, I hoped for more of a plantain chip with a flavorful pork on top. But it didn't even come close to that. It was overly fried and just bad. I tossed it.

Other than a night of slight panic and inappropriately over thinking, things have been ok. I do so hate how I can so easily overthink things that really shouldn't bother me all that much. Things in the last days have been easy with C... we've chatted casually and without awkwardness. And then there was a strange situation when I left for home today from the office, and I worked myself up to his lack of stopping to say goodbye to me was more than it ever could possibly be. I something that probably didn't mean a thing into a huge thing in my head. I need to find a way to just relax about what our relationship is and let it be whatever it needs to be. I can't hold on too tight, or force it to be something that it might never be.

And now for sleep, as the flight is early tomorrow. And more to come from the fun of Dallas.

The Big D

2009-06-24T22:55:00.002-04:00

They say everything is bigger in Texas... And that only steers and queers come from Texas. Well, I'm off to find out. I'll be spending the next month of my life in Dallas, TX. I'll be working a large convention there, one that includes a pink cadillac.

I'm up in the air about my feelings on this. I'm excited about a month of work at show rate (more than double shop rate for me). But, I'm a rock and roll girl, and I'm not sure how I feel about the switch to the corporate side of things. I'm hoping its just for the month, and then I'll be off and onto the world of the tour and a different city every day. I'm going with it and trying to just enjoy that I was asked and they want me on something. Which is a good feeling, after my frustrations last week of wondering why I wasn't getting work when so many people who seemed less competent than I were heading off on tours. Its disheartening when crew chiefs hand you plots to set up their rigs over the people who are actually heading out of town with them. Or its a nod of respect and will hopefully translate to more work later. Can't quite figure out where I want to go on that one.

I'm having moments of guilt tonight connected to all of this though. I was invited to the corporate dinner this evening (one similar to the one I cooked for weeks ago), but this time as a guest. I now understand why they were so excited by my food. I feel slightly guilty that I complimented the other chef, as I didn't really enjoy her food all that much. It was bland and lacked excitement and flavor. It was good, but simple and unexciting. I told her I had enjoyed it, but in reality, it was no where near the quality I'd expect from someone who has been cooking as long as she has been. I'm not sure why I feel guilty about telling her it was good food. It was good food, it just wasn't spectacular food.

I hate when I overthink things...

And now off to lounge in front of the fan and lament the fact that I have no air conditioning. Stay cool, stay dry...

Overtime on Monday?

2009-06-22T23:20:00.003-04:00

Its going to be a long week. As it started off with overtime hours on Monday. After putting in long days on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of last week. I won't complain, because I need the money, and there is no looming tour for me just yet, but I know by the time the weekend gets here, I'll be exhausted.

I feel like I run all week and then when it gets to Saturday, I'm so beyond drained, I can't muster the energy to do much of anything, and waste the day laying on my couch and failing to nap. This week was because it was too darn hot to nap. We went from crazy storms on Friday, where it downpoured and created horrid travel conditions, to over 90 degrees and sunny with naught a cloud in the sky on Saturday. Of course, Sunday so the return of the dreary weather. I'm so beyond sick of rain and am really hoping that the sun that arrived today sticks around for a bit.

Because of the feeling of running all week, I feel a bit beat up by life. The touch of depression that I deal with certainly seems to peak its head out on those Saturdays. It makes it hard to motivate myself to get out and enjoy the new home I have here. I really wish I had someone to explore with, but alas, I've not found a partner for that. I do fine during the week, because I have the tasks of work to keep me company, as well as the coworkers to either annoy me or entertain me, depending on the day. But Saturdays just seem to be my least favorite days of the week lately. They loom long and dull. But I survive, and start it all over again. Work has kept me insanely busy. There are so many shows heading out of the shop... all of them without me though. I'm the one they turn to help put them all together, I get constantly asked are you going out with this or with that? But nothing yet. I'm keeping the mindset that something is coming for me, and that I'll end up on the tour that I'm best suited for. I'm slightly bitter that I don't get to go work the Bon Jovi one off on Thursday, as I do have such a love for their show and it is the reason I realized I needed to get the job I have now. But, not much I can do about changing management's minds and sending me instead of others. Except to work harder and hopefully get on the next one. :)

And now, after my dinner of toaster waffles, and a few moments to catch you all up on the fact that my life is just plain crazy and unexciting, I'm off to sleep. So I can do it all again tomorrow. Yay?

Does it have to be Monday already?

2009-06-14T22:12:00.002-04:00

Another weekend is over and done with. Its been a tiring one. Yesterday was mostly rain and depression feelings for me. I was exhausted and didn't feel much like doing anything. I didn't leave the apartment once. I lounged on the couch and tried to read and tried to knit and tried to focus on a movie. None of it successful. A very blah day, if I do say so.

Perhaps it was because of how crazy my week was? At one point I was responsible for pulling together the gear for four different shows at the shop, why trying to help another one get prepped and out the door. I also had my nutrition final (which i bombed, but managed to get an A for the quarter... I think it had to do with my perfect scores on the papers, which I don't think she actually read.... cause there is no way I wrote two perfect papers... but I'm not about to complain). I then I finished the week off with an amazing dinner at the restaurant our Chef created and used to own. It was a thoroughly amazing meal, with some great conversation. I must recommend pork belly to you if you ever get to a restaurant that serves it. It was a succulent and tender meat that melted in your month. Alas, the desserts disappointed me. Good thing I had eaten enough food before we got to that course.

So, after my day of being down and blah yesterday, I went to be by 9 pm. I slept well, and woke to a bright and sunny day. I ventured off to the city, where I hit an art fair. There was lots to look at and admire, but nothing came close to being anywhere near my price point. And seeing as that was the case, my afternoon came to an end before I had though it would. I did stroll a bit along the river, before heading home to do a few errands. And now the night is drawing to a close, its almost time for bed, and another week will begin.

I have my last class for the quarter tomorrow, finishing up Soups, Stocks and Sauces. It will be nice to have a break until the fall. And not have the harried running I've been used to. I've still no word on a tour though. I'm hoping something comes up, for the doubling of the salary would be so very ncie.

Hope your weekends were relaxing and full of sun.

New Releases

2009-06-08T00:19:00.002-04:00

I had thought I'd go see Up this weekend, but the theater closest to me was only showing it in 3D, which makes me all sorts of motion sick. (I think it has something to do with my horrid vision, which I found out got worse this week... through an emergency visit to the eye doc on Wednesday when I manages to drop a contact out of my eye at work... that was a bad way to start the day, but it did get the annual check up out of the way with... ). I did get to see The Hangover tonight though. A friend was going and invited me along. It was cheesy and stupid, but I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I certainly never got in that much trouble in my three years of living in Vegas... I wonder if tourists really do get that adventurous when they are in Sin City??

The part that struck me though, was the previews for what is coming soon. Violence, horror and more violence. Violence by adults, by prisoners, by children even. I saw nothing I have even the remotest desire to see. It was appalling to me that all the movies that are coming soon are of this sort. Are we as a culture really that entertained by violence? Do we accept it as such a part of culture now that we seek to be entertained by it? By murder? By destruction? By darkness? What a sad state the US is in if we seek this as our source of entertainment. Where is the uplifting? The happiness? The values? The good new movies?

2009-06-07T01:04:00.002-04:00

Luck had it that I didn't strain all the muscles I thought I had yesterday at work. And I turned today into a very low key, but productive day.

I started my morning with fresh donuts at the farmers market, where I picked up strawberries and rhubarb, and some spring onions and asparagus. Its a smallish market, but had a decent selection of items. The lettuces looked amazing, but I have a Costco pack of lettuce in my fridge, so in an effort to eat what I have, I skipped those. I turned the onions and asparagus into a lovely risotto for dinner this evening. A bit of roasting on the asparagus gave it a great flavor. And turned the strawberries and rhubarb into a crisp for dessert. Its hard to decide on desserts to make when you live by yourself. I'd love a pie, but one person a whole pie can not eat. Ok, so yeh, I could eat a whole pie... but I'd hate myself and my hips in the morning.

I'm making some progress on my sizzle sweater. But I think I may have to frog it all. I'm working my way up the back, but the yarn has so much stretch, I think it may turn out to be huge on me. Judging by the model in the pattern photo, I choose to make a small, but I'm thinking I should have gone with an xs. Maybe I'll toss in a few extra decrease rows and get down to the number for an xs as I work up the back. It felt so nice to sit around a knit today... its been too long since I had time for the simple indulgences.

And I have another day of free time tomorrow! I don't know how I'll feel after two days off with no plans... I haven't had that since i got here to Chicago!

What a week...

2009-06-05T22:37:00.002-04:00

After my weekend of being buried in paper hell, I followed it up with a very long week. Work was work, and no more busy than any other week. I did a lot of show prep, which was fun for a change, and got me away from two very negative coworkers that have been getting on my nerves in the service room. One who has decided to not like me, and get all snarky with on several occasions. Like reminding me of pieces of my job that need to be done when she has no idea how to do my job. My job is the same whether I fix a light in room A or room B, and you couldn't fix one if your life depended on it, so don't assume I'm going to not do something because I'm in another room. The downside to show prep is that I'm going to be very sore tomorrow. I lifting things that weight 75 pounds or so today. By myself. I coiled cables, hundreds and hundred of feet worth of cables. I'm hoping my forearms don't suffer too much, as I'd like to knit tomorrow.

The rough part of the week were the thoughts in my head. I got very much into the thoughts of the one things I seem to want in life (marriage and kids) and not having it. I was feeling very lonely and I fixated on the things that are missing from my life, rather than all the things i do have. It took a reminder that I have so many things going for me - school, job, people fighting over me at said job (apparently everyone wants me to work on their teams these days), the chance to professionally cook for people, health, an apartment in the city that I really do love, etc. So much that I thought I had planned out for this year never panned out - some in good ways, as I'm glad I didn't get my original Chicago apartment, as I realize now I'd hate the drive - and some in ways that have yet to be determined - C, mainly (I'm worried about him, and how deeply he takes things lately. Its hard to see someone hate their job so much, when just a year ago he had so much passion for it, and taught me so much about it.). My head went to the deep black hole of feeling so alone, and like I'd never get what I wanted and would always be alone. Its a deep and scary place there, and I cried, A LOT. I'm no closer to figuring out why I'm alone, but I'm trying to trust the plan that is my life. Its damn hard to let go of desires and wants though. And I haven't quite figured out how to do it.

On the good news front, mom had a second PET scan, following up the final dose of chemo. And it came back clear. So, now she's onto the next round of surgery and then that will be followed up by radiation therapy.

More posts to come later this weekend. I'm hoping to hit up the local farmers market tomorrow. I hear they have great donuts :). And get some knitting done. And laundry... And maybe, a trip to Loopy...

I fed him lunch...

2009-05-31T22:59:00.002-04:00

ok, so not really. Can you imagine how much he'd need to be satisfied?

But I do complete my second cooking assignment for my company, cooking lunch for the people that were in doing the refurb on him after 3 years on the road. It went quite well and I received all sorts of compliments. I do need to work on portion control, as I overcooked just a bit. But was happy with how everything turned out in the end.

In other weekend news, I got to see a lot of old friends at the Yanni tour. Which is a very visually spectacular show. It would be lost without the video content.

I also spent all day stuck in my nutrition paper. I have to do a final edit of it, but I'm mostly done. Thankfully. It was brutal trying to get it to come together at some points.

And now the weekend is over and its back the craziness of a week. Only two more with classes though. I can't wait for the slow down that will come with that. I think.

Sleep well... until later in the week.

I heart Thursdays

2009-05-28T22:20:00.003-04:00

I think Thursday has become my favorite day. Its the one day of the week that I am guaranteed to be home by 830. Its so nice to have a little quiet time to relax and not be rushing to bed or the work or to class. I can't say much for my Thursday night class though... but thankfully there are only two more weeks left. The teacher actually said today, can you repeat that question, I wasn't listening. REALLY? Isn't that your main job?

Its been a bit of a crazy week. Lots of stupidity to deal with at work. I practiced the art of smiling and nodding, know that any argument I put forth for the crazy tasks I was being asked to accomplish would fall on deaf ears. And in the grand scheme of things, they only wasted their own time, not mine. I did get added responsibility of pulling together gear for a show, which was cool. Its great to be in a position where I'm trusted and they want me to learn more. Now if only I can convince them to pay me more, and send me to Australia in August....

Dinner on Monday went really well. The key lime pie was fabulous (I think C ate half of it Monday night) and I was quite happy with my pan sauce for the steak. The conversation was good, for the most part. Its hard to want one thing, and not understand why the other person doesn't want it too. But, the more I think on things, the less I understand him. He's opening up more to me in the last weeks than ever before, but in the end, I'm finding that he is very confused about what he wants... or what he thinks he wants.

There was one interesting question that got brought up, not one that we discussed fully, but got me to thinking... the question being when was the last time you were completely happy? (he was telling me of someone else that asked him this question, I've yet to share my answer with him) For him, he figured it was three years ago, when he was living back in Indiana and didn't have a care in the world. For me, I don't think I have ever been completely happy for a period of time. For a week, or two, yes... but never for months at a time. I've definitely had periods where I am happy with areas of my life for longer stretches of time... but I can't say I've ever been completely happy with my job, my social life and my personal life all at the same time. I thought the move here would be the chance to change that... and perhaps it still is, but right now, I love my job, I'm enjoying school, but I'm not happy with where I am personally or socially. Its a bit deep... and oddly philosophical... but, I'd really like to get to a point where I love all aspects of my life.

On a lighter note, I get to see some of my diamond cohorts tomorrow, as well as a Yanni show... should be an interesting way to start the weekend off....

Why do weekends go by so fast?

2009-05-25T19:01:00.002-04:00

Another whirlwind weekend in Chicago down. I actually got out and was social this weekend. A friend from NYC was in town, and we hit up a club and a dive bar after an afternoon of sidewalk drinking. A bit too late of a night, but fun was had by all. And many, many, many drinks.

I also have gotten all but one of the boxes out of my apartment. So, we're almost there on the put away and settled in part. C is on his way for dinner to celebrate his birthday, so that was motivation to get the dining room table cleared off (updates on the Key Lime Pie and the Southern Comfort Pan sauce over filet mignon to come later... cross your fingers they go smoothly and I don't burn down the kitchen... )

Its back to work tomorrow, for what hopefully won't be as long of a week as last week. I worked until 12:30 am on Saturday morning... and left most people still there. Its definitely a good thing that so much is going ok, but it really hinders the sleep some nights.

I did manage to have a very productive day yesterday, and got the shopping done for all the June birthdays and father's day, as well as finding new pants and shoes for work. It seems like all those pesky errands get put off so much with the schedule I keep. I don't have the time to hit target or the mall on a weeknight, and have to jam it all into the weekends. This weekend its made me a bit anxious. I feel like I'm bordering on an anxiety attack for some reason today. Although not quite sure why.

Thats about all I have to report on the front of my backwards marathon running life. Things are hopefully going to calm down, and hopefully lead me off to a summer tour to make some more money and get out of the rat race of the back and forth between the city and work. I'm hoping for updates on that soon. I did get a few more rows of Sizzle done, but its slow going with the yarn I chose. Its a 100% cotton and I'm finding it very slippery and that tension is hard to maintain.

And now to finish up dinner, as hopefully C will be arriving shortly.

Yet another long week

2009-05-21T22:21:00.002-04:00

I was home before 8 pm tonight. YEY! It happens so rarely these days, I must celebrate is occurrence. So, I'm enjoying a glass of red wine. And sitting.

Its almost bed time, as the week has been long. Summer has arrived in Chicago. I feel like we skipped spring though. Or I was too busy and stressed to realize spring happened. Either way, it made it to 90 degrees today. If I'm going to be home for the summer, I desperately need to invest in an air conditioner. Hopefully just a fan though.

I almost fell asleep on the way to work yesterday. I feel so burned out some days. Other days, I'm fine. But those days when the long travel times, the long times on my feet at work, and the late nights/early morning combine are the worst. Especially when they usually entail staying late at work (I bailed at 9 pm last night, almost 2 hours before everyone else got to go home). Work has been good though. Mostly. I did explode a light today... not by fault of my own, but for lack of checking work I didn't know had been done by someone else. Unfortunately, it took out the two hours of work I had invested into the project, and several hundred, if not thousands of dollars worth of equipment. I'm hoping to find out if there is a tour for me soon. I do get to see a friend from the diamond days this week, as he'll be back in building The Fray's tour which heads out in a few weeks. That will be nice.

School is good. I'm enjoying making sauces, and I'm at a point where I would definitely say two of the girls are friends. One especially. We email/text outside of class and are trying to plan a night out. Its nice to have the start of a social life here, as I've not been able to get to the knitting night I want to attend, nor have I found any good quality meetup groups to join (which was my main way of meeting people in NYC).

I finally feel like I'm settling in and am home here. I still have lots of exploring to do and some unpacking. But that will come. I had a really good conversation with C over the weekend, and I think we are solidly on the path to friendship. He'll be back this weekend, and I'm roping him into helping to hang some pictures on my walls, and showing him what a real birthday celebration should be like (his is Friday and he didn't understand why I made such a big deal out of my birthday... so i thought I'd show him to right way to celebrate and am cooking dinner for him).

For now though, it feels nice to lounge here and not be rushing off to work, or rushing off to sleep or rushing off to school. Or waiting on a delivery or waiting on the internet. Hope you have great Friday's and have good plans for the long weekend.

I'm back!

2009-05-17T22:28:00.002-04:00

online that is, so perhaps that means I'll be back here more often and keeping up with you all and what's going on in my life.

Its been so long, I don't even remember what I've told you all and what I haven't. So, if I repeat myself, sorry. Bear with me while I get back into a rhythm. If that is possible at this point, that is.

So, anyways, it was a crazy week. I started in on the second culinary course of school. We made roux and cosumme and crepes. All quite tasty. Well, not the roux... I didn't taste that one.

But the highlight of my week came in the combining of work and cooking and my first paid job as a chef. I was asked to step up to the plate on Thursday night and cook for the executive meeting that was taking place. It was a bit like being thrown into the deep end and not having the option of sinking. I found out at 9 am that there was dinner for 22-24 at 6 pm. I was told there are pork chops, rib eyes and salmon filets in the fridge... there is a grill out there... and here's some money for the grocery store and N, who is in charge of the serving side of things and to help you out. And off you go. Have fun, don't stress, and don't use butter or cheese.

Hours later, and many chopped things, I put a meal of shrimp cocktail and bruschetta, pasta with marinara sauce, chopped mixed salad, grilled rib eyes, grilled pork chops with apple cranberry chutney, grilled salmon with mango black bean salsa, olive oil roasted potatoes, roasted cauliflower, and strawberry shortcake. I had a few glitches along the way (overly thick pork chops being the major one) but the night ended with the compliment from the owner of the company that it was the best salmon he had had. Followed by the remark that we want you to do this again. Score one for me, and my cooking! It is really a gratifying thing to hear that people like what you cooked and want to experience it again. I know I've always gotten compliments, but part of me always doubts when they are coming from your parents (don't they have to like it?) or the guy who would eat anything... Coming from a known picky eater, who has dined extensively, it was a great compliment and a check in the success column.

So, that's my big story of the week. And I just had to share. Now its time for sleep. More about my knitting (I've got a sock on one set of needles and cast on for Knit and Tonic's Sizzle tank this morning as well) and about other aspects of life soon, I hope. Happy Monday everyone! Hope your weeks start of well and continue smoothly.

Must be something there...

2009-05-13T14:15:00.003-04:00

Oddly enough, two of my three favorite radio stations here in Chicago-land are Christian ones. The other is country. I tend to flip between them a lot, especially on my morning drive into work. This morning, I flipped to the first one as this song was starting. After it was over, they started in on their pledge drive talk, which really bugs me. (why pledge drives are a huge pet peeve of mine belongs in another post though). So I flipped back to the other station, where I found the same song that had just finished was starting up.

The words of the song struck me... as I feel like I'm in this huge state of choas (I'm still living out of boxes, have no internet at home, waiting on a couch, trying to find my way and a social life, etc and I'm still trying to deal with everything else that has gone on - mom, C, other past mistakes with the love and personal life, etc). The first lines of it seemed to speak to me, that its time to move on and heal and fix.

It was like God was telling me I really should listen to the song and just go with it. So, here's to letting go, and letting God. And working on that trusting that He knows what He's doing and even if I can't figure it out, I'm on my way to where I'm supposed to be going.

ARGH!

2009-05-10T11:33:00.002-04:00

So, I still have no internet at my apartment. The upside to that is a found a great little bread bakery to sit in this morning and enjoy my morning coffee and a lemon poppy seed scone.

I got all of my stuff yesterday, and am mostly unpacked already. I have a ton of organizing to do though. I have so much stuff! Most of it is baking or cooking related... who'd have guessed, right? I don't have much in terms of cabinet space - or counter space either - but I have this great walk in closet in my hall entry way that has become my storage spot. I have pots and pans and plates all stowed in there. Seems like it will work out pretty well for me. It was heavenly to sleep in a real bed last night too. So nice to have that level of comfort back.

And I need another basket for yarn. I thought two would be enough, but apparently it isn't.

I got half of my couch order, so at least I have a place to sit now. The couch should be delivered next Saturday... so not too long to wait for that.

The internet is the part thats annoying me though. They apparently hooked it up on Friday like they were supposed to. But it doesn't work in my apartment, unfortunately. I've been trying to fix it because due to my schedule at AT&T's schedule, the soonest I can get a service appointment is next Saturday morning. Bah! I was sobbing when I got off the phone with technical service on Friday night. I depend so much on the internet these days --- its my entertainment source, my connection to the outside word, my screen to vent on. And I didn't have it, and won't have easy access to it for another week. Looking back, it seems very unreasonable to be so upset at the lack of something like internet, but it truly crushed me to know that I have to wait another week to get back on line.

In other news, I got an A in my first culinary school class. I passed Intro to Cooking fairly easily, and had fun doing it. Well, except for those pesky tournes (potatoes carved to look vaguely like a football). I start soup, stocks and sauces tomorrow. Which is exciting, as it will be more focused on the cooking, which is what I am looking forward to. I have to start working on my papers for my nutrition class, as that is going to be the more difficult one. The teacher used all book/publisher developed materials - power points and quizzes and I'm assuming the final too. The part that is difficult is that the quizzes often include questions of things that aren't covered in class, which to me, just seems not quite right. If you want me to know it, go over it during lecture.

Ok, so I think I've babbled on through a ton of different topics and caught you all up on the last week of my life. Or perhaps overwhelmed you completely. I do so miss this outlet when I don't have my internet access. That and reading all of your blog stories. Maybe I'll be back later tonight with more updates... I'm off to Home Goods and Target and my cheap produce store.

And another note, never got to Costco on a Friday night... the lines weren't too bad, but the people clogging the aisles drove me batty!

Waiting...

2009-05-03T16:50:00.003-04:00

I'm never moving again!!!

Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration. I'm never moving again without help. I climbed way too many stairs yesterday. With way too many boxes.

And now I wait. I wait for my internet to be connected (next Friday! ARGH and no one has a non-password protected connection near me, so I'm at the library right now). I wait for my furniture (next Saturday!) and I wait for my couch and love seat (bought today, but won't be delivered until the 14th... but I won't be home the 14th, so I'll have to reschedule that unless they can rush things and get them delivered on Saturday -- cross your fingers for that option!).

So, I'll be back again when I have the internet, as I'm ready to move on from sitting here. I need to get to the grocery store and then home to study for my first final, which is on Tuesday. And I need to organize a bit, because there are half empty boxes strew around my apartment.

Productive Day

2009-04-26T20:30:00.002-04:00

Going to bed early has its benefits. I was able to turn today into a very productive day. I moved all the things in my car into my new place - and took all the hang up stuff from my suitcase out and put it in my various closets. It took a couple of trips to the apartment to take care of this, due to the crazy thunderstorms we had off and on all day. In between the visits, I hit Home Goods and Target for things I needed (like trashcans and mops and buckets) and attempted to find work pants (unsuccessfully though). I mopped the floors, so now my place is ready for the furniture to arrive. My plan is to be moved over there next weekend, depending on the work load of the week that is.

I also got to check out my LYS. Chix with Stix was a great little find. Lots of fun yarn (I left with two skeins, one for a pair of socks and one to make the My kind of town Cowl. I got this great chunky alpaca for the cowl, in variegated shades of rust and red and brown. I think it will have a great drape to it when I'm done. On Wednesday's that I don't work, I think I'll be heading over there for their open knit nights.

I've finished my homework, made black bean soup, done the laundry, made some granola for weekday snacks, painted my toes (its so time for a pedicure!), and I still have two hours before its time to head to bed so I can be awake for the long week ahead. (we are constructing new lighting fixtures that have to be out with a tour by mid week... its taking about 8 hours per fixture right now and we have 24 to make....)

So, I'll be back next weekend. With pictures of the place. And maybe a finished hat. Until then....

2009-04-25T22:57:00.002-04:00

Its 10 pm on Saturday night, and I think its about time for sleeping. Sad, in a way. But, hopefully it will allow me to make tomorrow a very productive day.

It was a long week, full of running and lots of traffic. Both Monday and Tuesday, I barely made school before class. I sneaked in just under the wire both days though. Tuesday it took almost 2.5 hours to make the drive. Between the rainy weather we had most of the week, and Cubs games, the traffic just seems to constantly get worse and worse. I also worked long hours, staying late on Wednesday and Friday and working part of the day again today. Overtime hours are key in my money situation though, so I'm not about to avoid those, when they are possible. I'm worn out though. I wish there was a way to do something while driving, but that just sounds like a bad idea. I think I'd be much more content and less scattered if I could knit while I made my way from place A to place B. I'm going to look into some books on tape and see if that helps with the frustration of so many hours in my car.

Tomorrow, I hope to start moving into the new place. I need to pick up a few things at Target for cleaning (a mop and some Murphy's Oil Soap - yay hard wood floors!), and I want to get the stuff out of my car so I can stop lugging a few hundred pounds of stuff around with me everywhere. I have the movers set up to deliver the rest of my stuff May 9th... it can't get here soon enough. I'm also hoping to hit a discount home supply store to see if they still carry the couches I am hoping to purchase. But then comes the fun of figuring out how (well, mainly who is going to help me) to get them to my apartment. I really need to make some more friends, preferably male ones, so that they can help me carry the heavy (large and awkward too) stuff up stairs.

Its hard working more than full time and going to school and trying to meet people though. I live partially in three worlds really. School, work and social. Although there is yet to be much of the third one, due to lack of time to pursue it. I didn't think I'd feel this crazy trying to undertake this. I'm hoping having my own place will help alleviate a bit of this feeling. But right now, I have so much to figure out in regards to the move, that its not helping much at all (I need to figure out where to park, what internet provider to go with, what my budget is going to look like, where the best places to shop are, how long it will take me to get to work in the morning, etc, etc, etc... the list never does seem to end).

I did get to spend my night knitting though... I'm more than half done with a hat for mom. And I watched Across the Universe, which is a favorite movie - yay for netflix watch it now feature!

Hopefully tomorrow will bring some pictures of my new place. I keep wanting to take pictures of my drive, but never have the time to stop to get them. I'm watching the fields slowly change, from dried corn stalks from last year's crop to newly tilled soil that is awaiting this year's seeds. The one good part of my drive is that it is through some great country side.

SUCCESS!

2009-04-23T00:34:00.003-04:00

I HAVE A NEW ADDRESS!

I CAN NOW GET MAIL.

I sign my lease Thursday after work. And before school.

I can't wait to sleep in my bed again. And have my pots and pans. And real dishes and knives and forks (as opposed to the plastic I have now).

Next up is a couch. And I think I need a microwave...

Now its time for sleep. I just got home from work (13 hour day, before counting drive time) and I didn't do my homework for nutrition class (but luckily did the extra credit work over the weekend to make up for that).

2009-04-18T23:46:00.003-04:00

My ball winder and swift hate me, I think. Perhaps they didn't like being in the trunk of the car for so long. I tried to wind a ball up today, and ended up with quite the tangled mess. I spent well over an hour attempting to untangle it, before giving up and cutting a piece off. And then created another tangle. Which also got cut off. So now one skein is three pieces of yarn.

On top of that, I don't think the yarn is quite right for a hat. I do love it, but as I started to knit it up, it just didn't say hat to me. It has no stretch to it, and seemed a bit small, and was frogged back to a ball state. I'll have to see what I do with it. Maybe a scarf might be fun?

I do have four rows of mom's first hat done though. The second use of the swift/ball winder was much more successful and gave me a perfectly formed ball.

And a pair of socks waiting to cast on. (the baby blanket

is in a box and on its way to MA, for the baby girl that arrived last saturday... right on time.)

Today was the most mellow day I've been able to have in quite a while. I saw a couple of apartments this morning... I'm trying to decide on one of them. I liked it, but I can't say I loved it. So, I'm torn. The price was right, but the fridge was small. And the toilet was an industrial style one, rather than a home style one. And for some reason, the flush mechanism on those industrial style ones just bother me in a house setting. Part of me wants to call and see if I can get a second look at the place, but then I look at my schedule and laugh. I'm praying for some insight. I really want to get settled into a place and have a home.

After the apartments, I hit a Whole Foods... mostly for browsing and not buying though. And then headed to this great Latin market I've found here. I scored on produce, and got 4 avocados, 3 limes, a red pepper, two jalepenos, a bunch of parsley and a bunch of cilantro, a 5 lb bag of apples, a mango, and an onion for less than 10 dollars. That is just is unheard of. I've spent the last three days recording my food intake for my nutrition class, and am trying to make an effort to eat more veggies and good for me stuffs. We'll see how long that lasts. As I always seem to say that, but never get further than a few days with it.

I also had my first Chicago night on the town last night. A girl who was a student of mine 6 years ago is now a student here in town, and I met up with her and her friends last night. It was fun to get out, and the bar we hit gives you a free personal pizza with every drink ordered. I was a bit early for meeting them, combined with their running late, and found a new ice cream shop across the street.

(the making of ice cream)

It was a cool concept shop - they make your ice cream for you when you order... you can specify your milk type and the flavor and even the color you'd like. And they mix it up in a Kitchen Aid mixer with some liquid nitrogen to freeze it. Alas, the cool factor and the taste factor didn't combine. It tasted like frozen milk, and not much like ice cream, which was disappointing after a 10 minute wait in line and a 15 minute wait for them to make my "creation."

And here it is 11 pm on a Saturday night , and I'm ready to call it a night. I have a paper to write tomorrow, and to decide if I'm going to go for this apartment or not. And a bit more cleaning up to do around here... although it seems easier to leave it in piles and not get too settled in... I can't believe I've been here three weeks already!

Update?

2009-04-16T22:34:00.003-04:00

I feel like I'm running a marathon, backwards, in high heels, while applying makeup and reading a book.

School and work, plus driving is a crazy idea. I wish I could apartment search and drive at the same time. Or knit and drive at the same time. But alas, that ain't happening. Especially with these Chicago drivers.

The weekend may be peaceful, so hopefully I'll get time here then. As I know next week is going to be insane... to the point where we'll be working such long hours, they'll be giving me a hotel room near the shop. ACK. Yay for OT! Boo for the lack of time to think/pray/knit/read/do my homework/sleep. Maybe its good I don't know people here... there is no one to be offended I have no time to hang out.

Happy Friday everyone...

I think the sleep deprivation is starting

2009-04-09T22:06:00.003-04:00

Well, its the day after tomorrow now. And I'm getting ready to sleep, as I don't know when I'll next get a good nights worth. I'm just waiting for some laundry to dry a bit more so I can hang it up and hopefully not have to find someone who has an iron before class on Monday.

Work is going to be insane this weekend. We worked a long night last night, and tomorrow promises to be longer, with a full (probably extended) day on Saturday and Sunday too. I can't complain, I need the overtime hours. But, between the driving (about 120 miles roundtrip a day... I'm filling my gas tank up every three days! And don't even get me started on Chicago drivers or traffic... the worst I've seen, and I've drive all over this country!) and the homework and the classes, I am going to be pushing myself to the edges.

So far school is great. I really like my two professors. And my advisor. My cooking instructor is a French Chef. Who says sheet so that it sounds like sh*t. He's always telling us to make sure we laugh and smile. He's laid back and relaxed and a lot of fun too. I'm not so good at cutting straight lines - we have been making perfect dices and the such out of potatoes and leeks and carrots for the last two days. I can't draw a straight line, so I'm not so sure that cutting a perfect square is in my future. I'm looking forward to getting into the cooking part of the class.

And I've made a couple of friends in the class too. There are two girls who I share a station with who are fun to chat with, and who's stories I enjoy.

Work, well, that is long hours, but I'm learning a lot. And I'm enjoying it. Its a bit hard to work so closely with C, but to also not work all that closely with him at the same time. We can go all day without even seeing each other. Which is odd, because there is someone I care about deeply in the same building as me, but I haven't seen them. I do hope we'll get a chance to talk a bit before he leaves town for his tour the start of the week. Its so hard to read the situation we have... And I constantly wonder am I to look to actions or words? One day at a time, and we'll see what happens. But, on the work side, I've learned how to tear things apart and put them back together. I get to get very dirty every day (not the best for when your other career is cooking, but...)

There is still no work on when I might get to move to my apartment or if I definitely have to find a new one or not. I'm hoping maybe the start of next week might bring an answer. My body is so ready to upgrade back to a real bed and get off this air mattress. I've been sleeping ok, mostly. Having some odd dreams -- D was in the one I had last night, asking me to get back together with him. I laughed at that suggestion.

Mom is doing well with her chemo. They had to adjust some dosages due to yeast infections, but other than that, she seems good. She had her head last week, so that the losing of the hair isn't as noticeable and drastic.

I really wish I was close to Red Rock Amphitheater in Colorado for this weekend. I saw photos of their annual Easter sunrise service, and I would love to attend that. I'm wondering about finding a service if I have Sunday off. I have no idea what kind of church to look for right now though, in this strange state of religious discovery and relearning that I find myself in. I'm working on trusting that God does have a plan for me, and that great things are coming. Yet, I find myself having so much doubt because of how much change and negative things I've had in the last two months. Its hard to trust when you think you are happy, and then things get turned upside down and switched around on you. And you don't understand why they had to happen that way.

But alas, I can't start thinking of that now. It is time to brush my teeth and fall off to sleep. I get to get 8.5 hours of the stuff tonight. And hopefully that will carry me through til who knows when. I may be napping in my car during lunch...

I hope everyone has a great weekend, full of Easter and Passover celebrations.

2009-04-07T23:50:00.002-04:00

With some luck, tomorrow, there will be updates on

* why I should stick to knitting and avoid sewing

* how to chop potatoes and why I have a craving from french fries, hash browns and chinese food (yes, all at the same time)

* the fun of driving over 100 miles a day

* working full time and going to school part time

* sleeping on an air mattress and missing my bed (well, anyone's bed really)

* how to remove motor grease before getting covered in cooking grease

* adjusting to life in a new city

* trying to figure out how to make a friendship work

* trying to learn to trust that there is some great plan in the works despite being analytical and wishing for tangible proof

* and finally, taking suggestions on what newly added stress factor in my life has caused my eye to start twitching and add to the many things that drive me crazy.

For now, I'm alive, sleepy, wishing that work as 50 miles closer, and not as lonely as I feared. And that my friends, makes time for sleeping.

Sunsets and Potholes

2009-04-05T00:54:00.004-04:00

(the final moments of my first drive home from work)

So far, I've seen two amazing sunsets here. One included a combination of all types of weather and a rainbow. Luckily for me, they all seem to happen in my rearview mirror. Its so much nicer than driving into a glaring sun.

(the view in my side mirror on Friday night)

There are also an insane number of potholes in this city. Driving becomes somewhat of a obstacle course as you try to not explode a tire or bust up other parts of your car. (Mine just reached 100,000 miles, and I don't need to do anything to make her not want to work for me right now).

I got out to explore a bit today and hit up a cute shopping center area with a very fun spice shop (www.penzys.com) . All they sell is spices, and at such reasonable prices too. I'm excited because now my food can have flavor! I also hit up Trader Joe's for a couple of things too. My friend here introduced me to this fabulous Latin market as well. I'm going to frequent this place -- who can argue with 25 cent bunches of fresh herbs? Or limes that only cost 15 cents? In the big chain groceries you spend almost $2 on a bunch of herbs! I can eat well on my budget after all! (I think that is the most exciting part... I splurged on a printer today to make use of online coupons [and some school printing stuff], but I'm all about figuring out how to keep my life relatively the same and keep to a very tight budget. So far I'm not succeeding, but thats due to house set up costs and initial purchases. Next month I really need to focus on that. But I think I'll be too busy to spend any money, so it might not be an issue.)

And up tomorrow - the return to homework, my attempt to hem pants, and general life updates. Until then, sleep well.

A quick update

2009-04-02T23:14:00.002-04:00

Another day comes to a close. The alarm is set for 6 am, for the drive west to work. Which isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Its the drive home that sucks and takes almost two hours to make.

I'm still trying to adjust to the new environment. Sleep can be illusive with the strange sounds and fear of not hearing the alarm in the morning. I need to work on relaxing, or I'm going to be a giant mess of exhaustion and a hazard to myself on the road.

Work is good. The friendship with C shows promise of being good for both of us. But only time will tell on that one. Chef's pants are the most unflattering piece of clothing I have ever owned (my pajamas and lounge wear look better on me than what I have to wear to school). And my new knives are strangely disappointing. But school should be fun. (orientation was today).

And that concludes the brief update on me. In short, mostly grammatically correct style. Perhaps a more in depth look at Chicago life come the weekend. Until then, enjoy your Fridays.

Safely "home"

2009-03-30T22:26:00.002-04:00

Well, not really home. But to my new city at least. And in a decent space to stay for the next week until I can figure out what is really going on. (I wish I could afford this place... its this fun loft, with parking and laundry... which prices it way out of my range. But nice for a few days at least.)

I start work in the morning. I'm dreading the drive. And nervous about seeing C - he'll leave on tour in about ten days, but until then, we are working together. And then Thursday starts school fun.

I am beat from the last few days, so hopefully I will sleep soundly. As six am will come really early, I think.

Day two, complete

2009-03-29T22:34:00.006-04:00

Last night, I had the luxury of a Crowne Plaza hotel. Thanks to priceline.com. At the bargain price of $50. Tonight, I am at a Best Western, which cost me $65. I checked in at 10 pm. You think they'd offer me a better price, especially in this economy. I tried to get better prices, including stopping at 4 other hotels in the area before giving up and settling for here.

But enough about hotels, I need to share my pictures and my day. It was quite a day. I spent about two hours this morning exploring the American side of Niagara Falls and Goose Island. The day started with rain, but luckily, it stopped raining shortly after my arrival at the falls. (I honestly think some of my best travel adventure days have been ones where it has been raining or otherwise inclement weather. I had a fabulous day in Tokyo exploring in the pouring rain and another driving through Yellowstone National Park in the snow. And now I can add today to that list.) The only thing I wished was that I had managed to get the thumbs finished on my fingerless mitts, as I could have used them today to keep my hands warm and fingers free to toy with the camera.

There is no way to accurately describe the falls. They are a sight you must see for yourself. I took close to 400 photos. I said wow on several occasions. I was awed by the magnificence ad the grandeur. The sound alone is breathtaking.

And the Canadian side is even better than the American. The horseshoe falls has even more of an impressiveness to it. And the view of the American Falls is much improved from the other side of the river. Unfortunately, due to my lack of cash (I never seem to carry it with me) I was only able to spend about an hour on the Canadian side. It was much colder, so I think I'm ok with that.

And I do have to return when it is the tourist season so I can take the boat ride along the falls, which due to the cold, wasn't open yet. (You can see the massive blocks of ice that are still at the base of the falls in the pictures).

Day one, complete

2009-03-29T10:30:00.003-04:00

I got to Niagara Falls about 9 PM last night. The drive was good... a mostly sunny day all the way through MA and NY. No traffic, and quite a few interesting towns to pass through (Belchertown anyone?).

I took some time to explore the American Falls at night when I got here. I wish I had had a tripod to get better pictures - I was putting my camera on any flat surface I could find in order to get a picture without shakes. I'm glad I got at least a few pictures last night, as today is quite the rainy mess. Not that I'm not going to grab the umbrella, put on the rain boots, and try to keep the camera as dry as possible so I can see the canadian side... One of my best days on my trip to Tokyo years ago was in weather like this. And I didn't even have rain boots then. :)

And without further ado, some shots from day one...

The mist leading as you walk towards the falls

The rapids before the falls

Looking over the falls towards Canada

What a difference a day makes

2009-03-27T15:58:00.002-04:00

Today is looking so much better than yesterday was. Yesterday was definitely one of the worst bouts of anxiety and fear I've had in a long time.

It turns out that I wasn't approved for the apartment with my salary, but they are willing to work with me to bring the price lower and into a range I would be able to afford. They really want to get this place filled apparently. I'm meeting someone on Monday to take a look at it and see it in person before I make a decision.

Also, the friend from the original apartment happened to mention my situation to her realtor, and the realtor happens to own a space that is currently empty and is willing to let me stay there temporarily so I don't have to impose on anyone while I figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing. (unfortunately the space is bigger than what I need, and priced out of my budget, so it won't work as a future living option).

So, I have a job, and a temporary place to stay. The rest of the pieces will come together.

I'm packing up stuff and getting ready to load the car. Tomorrow I start my drive westward. I'll get to Niagara Falls and crash there tomorrow night. And hopefully there won't be too much rain and I am able to enjoy the falls and that area. I'm angling to arrive in Chicago around noon on Monday. And then we'll see what comes next.

One giant nervous breakdown mess

2009-03-26T19:03:00.002-04:00

I've been a mess today. After a last minute scramble to get my application in yesterday to try and get all paperwork finalized by tomorrow, I woke up today feeling hung over - tired, cranky, achy, etc. Despite the fact I haven't had a drink in over a week - and I haven't had more than one drink in a sitting in over four. It sucked. I was anxious and nervous and doubting and wondering and all sorts of other emotions I'm not sure I can even put a finger on. I've been cold to the bone all day and shake at various intervals.

I sent off my application fees though. And continued to stress. I tried to knit and become absorbed, but I couldn't.

And then I talked to my future job. And the job is great. Its perfect for me right now. But it pays very little. Its a job, so I'm not complaining. It was just less than I imagined it would be (only by 2 dollars an hour), and that sent me off the edge, as I was already in the fragile state of freaking over the apartment and how much it costs to live. With a couple of calculations, this slightly lower salary plummets me into the range of you will need a second job to survive territory.

I'm afraid I can't afford the apartment along with my other bills. It will be a close call on whether all the bills can be paid on a base salary, and I won't be able to have luxuries like internet or tv (and my tv will stop working in June with that whole digital conversion thing). Or the fancy kind of foods I like. So now, I'm sitting here hoping that they tell me "I'm sorry, we can't approve your application" and aside of that, I'm debating losing $250 for the application fee and telling them I can't afford it and its stressing me out. I'm trying to focus that right now, its all in God's hands, and if they approve me, then it was meant to be. But secretly hoping that they won't approve me when they learn of my low salary. Yet, thinking that is giving me remarkable peace about things. And I'm thinking of emailing the other people (that I called and said sorry I had found something else to yesterday) to see if they'll still consider letting me take over their place if they get their mortgage approved. Even if that means I'm out the $250 from applying for this one, and even though its only $50 cheaper. The little difference can make a huge difference in these times.

ARGH. For once, I'd like something to go smoothly. And easily. And without hassle. But this move is apparently meant to teach me a whole lot and test me even more. I sure hope that the good things I know are coming are coming soon.

Small Successes?

2009-03-24T22:59:00.002-04:00

Today held some small successes in the apartment search. I have a lead on what my very possibly be my future home. It took four phone calls and three emails before I was able to get someone to get back to me, but I found a place that fits most of my requirements. Its a little bit more than I had hoped to spend on rent, but I think I'll be able to make it work out.

I also am waiting to hear back from a broker who was recommended by my advisor at school on another possible place. Which is steps from the lake, and a bit cheaper. Either way, I think I'm on the way to being sure to have a place to live next week when I get to Chicago.

I can't believe its next week that I need to be out there. Two months ago when I got home from tour, this seemed so very far away, and then continued to get further and further away as time passed. I'm excited and nervous. This is really the first completely new start I've gotten. Yeah, I started over in NYC last year, but it wasn't completely on my own. I never ventured out on my own, but allowed myself to depend on Ds apartment. We won't dwell on the bad side of that decision though. This time, the place will be mine, the bills will be mine, the adventure will be mine. I'm sad that I don't have someone to share it all with (and still miss C and his presence in my life) but I'm excited to see what this path holds for me.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get all this apartment stuff nailed down. I dread the conversation I'll have to have with the original apartment when I don't go with her place. But I can't just sit here and wait and see. I've put my life on hold enough for that situation. I do feel mildly guilty for leaving her in a lurch of having to find a last minute replacement for me if her mortgage comes through for the end of the month. But her situation has caused me a whole lot of stress... and anxiety... and frustration...

So cross your fingers for things falling into place tomorrow. I want to be able to enjoy my drive without worrying about where I'm going to be going when I get there. Oh, and know when that drive is going to be taking place.

Advice to Landlords

2009-03-22T14:39:00.003-04:00

I've been a bit one note lately here. I hate feeling so obsessed by this, but I feel so on hold trying to figure out how I am going to be in Chicago by Saturday. I know that this too will pass, and that I need to hang in there (Thanks for still reading and saying that, cause just knowing that people are crossing fingers or saying prayers and sending out the positive thinking does make a difference. And makes me smile).

And now, in an effort to make you laugh... some humor from the ads I've seen while searching.

When advertising your apartments, there are some pitfalls you should avoid. I've read through lots of ads in the past few weeks, and some have made me laugh out loud. Some things that are mentioned in ads include:

* Unit comes with securable doors. (If I'm renting the place, the door damn well better lock!)

* Windows stay with unit (You mean you aren't going to take them with you and leave gaping holes in the walls???)

* Vintage bathroom (Just how old does a bathroom have to be to be considered vintage? Is it an out house? A chamber pot? Or just last remodeled circa 1970?)

* Don't paint anything these colors. I don't think those colors should ever be used in any sort of decorating. EVER.

and in yet another, "Robin," the building manager is very helpful in your day to day activities. Don't you just wonder what services she provides? ;-)

Also, don't try to sell me the apartment that cost $1000 if I call to ask about the one that is only $800 a month. Obviously, if I could afford $1000 I would be looking in that price range, as the difference between apartments is HUGE, and I'd go for the nicer, pricier place if I could in any way possible make it work. Also, don't think I might want a studio that costs more than some one bedrooms I've been looking at just because its in my price range.

Ok, it just started snowing here. We just grilled out for the first time this spring, the thermometer was reading almost 50 degrees, and then we turned around and there are huge snowflakes flying. What is up with that?

I'm back to working on the blanket. Its coming along quite nicely. I'm about halfway there. And I seem to be knitting quicker the more I knit. And it is so much more fun than apartment searching!

Stressed

2009-03-20T23:45:00.002-04:00

Anyone want to join me in either running away to a tropical island or hiding under a big giant rock?

I spent my day going over craigslist postings for apartments in Chicago. I emailed a few places... talked to one. But it wasn't one that was like OH MY, I NEED TO LIVE THERE! So, I didn't jump at it. It was further north than I hope to be. And I couldn't tell if I loved it from the photos. There was one I did really love when I saw the photos on craigslist, but when they sent me more photos of the actual unit I'd be getting, it just wasn't all that great. Combined with the fact that it was a first floor unit, which I would like to avoid at all costs. But this searching has left me utterly drained. I don't know where to look more. I don't know what I'm even looking at any more. I have a week to figure this all out. Which is stressing me out. I'm at that I just don't want to play anymore point. You know?

Reminders

2009-03-18T23:21:00.002-04:00

Things I was reminded of over the course of today...

* I've posted 200 entries here. (well, that one I just noticed as I signed in to post this... but that's a lot of writing and venting and sharing.)

* Staying up past 2 am is not in my best interest.

* Midafternoon naps are great, until the phone rings and wakes you up. And it isn't even your phone that's doing the ringing.

* I must make sure to drink lots of water every day. It really does make a difference for me and my attitude.

* Cooking makes me happy.

* Somedays I just don't want to talk to anyone. Even my parents, which when I'm here can leave me feeling slightly guilty, as somedays mom wants to question all sorts of little trivial things, and I just can't muster the ability to talk.

* I need to get out into the world and take more pictures. Its a hobby I really enjoy and want to develop more.

* I really want the apartment I am waiting for. I don't want to search for another one. Searching today left me wanting to throw my computer across the room, which isn't an answer, as then I'll have no home and a broken machine.

* Sometimes, having pretty underthings really can make a difference.

ACK!

2009-03-16T23:08:00.002-04:00

I've been in a very disgruntled mood all day. I just feel so discouraged by the lack of a place to move and the uncertainty that is my immediate future.

I did hear from the people moving out today, and it turns out, the mortgage company turned them down. With the statement, we'll be willing to give you a mortgage in about 2-3 months, when the husband of the couple has been working for at least six months. My immediate thought is that this broker is of the old school sexist nation. They have a meeting in the morning with another broker, and it already sounds more promising. So, maybe I'll still get my place... Although not on the time table I was hoping for.

I got the delivery delay notification today from the email I sent yesterday about the other apartment I thought might be a good option/substitute... It seems when I copied and pasted the email address, I managed to leave off the m on the .com. Now is it a sign? Should I resend?

I'm so torn over what I'm doing about this living situation. None of the pictures compares to what I saw already. I know none of the neighborhoods. I don't know if I should wait and see or suck it up and find another place from afar. I feel so tossed all over the place.

It has been such a crazy two months of life. Deciding to move, applying to and getting accepted to school, ending a relationship (although still not what I wish had happened there), mom getting sick, having surgery, getting more bad news, and starting chemo (tomorrow that starts), getting put on hold about the apartment, not knowing what to do... Can someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do? Please?

I did remind myself that I'm not a retail therapy person though today. I can't shop when I'm sad/depressed/bummed out. I went to look for a new pair of sneakers, and walked in two stores, and found nothing. I guess that is a good thing...

New Projects

2009-03-15T21:19:00.004-04:00

I've been working on two new projects.

This first is a baby blanket for the soon to be Emma.

She's due to arrive April 11th, so I'm on a bit of a tight deadline. I choose an acrylic yarn because I want it to be an easy wash and dry for the mom... seeing as she'll have her hands full with a three year old and a newborn. But I hate acrylics. Or at least this one. It splits and pulls and gets caught on my dry skin. I'm doing it in pale pink and a creamy white, to match her recently painted room.

My other new project is a second blog, this one focused on my cooking and actually noting my recipes. You can visit me at Kitchen Adventures. So far it only has a few recipes (chocolate chip cookies.... the mussels I made the other night...) but as time goes on, I hope to expand it to a more complete site. I still have a lot of work to do on it, but for now its a start.

I spent most of my day reading and just being quiet at home. I had the house to myself most of the day, which was so nice. I didn't turn on the tv or any music, but just read and relaxed. I didn't realize how much I enjoy that, how nice it is to be alone for a bit and have no one around. Especially with so much stuff going on in my life, it was nice to just try to forget it all. I did email about one place I saw listed tonight on craigslist, but I'm still holding out hope for positive news in the first couple of days of this coming week.

How was your weekend? Did you relax or have fun?

Still got nothing

2009-03-15T00:31:00.002-04:00

I spent the better part of last week thinking maybe today. Maybe today. But got nothing. I need for this to be the last week I spend here in MA before heading to Chicago. Its getting dangerously close to the start of school, and I'm still not knowing when I can have my apartment.

I've started to look on craigslist for other options. But its so difficult to gauge by pictures what the place might actually be. I found one listing today for an apartment in the complex that C lives in. Which I found humorous, but so not an option as he has this scary set up of a door that enters into the bedroom and a door that enters into the living room. It freaks me out to no end that there would be a door entering into the bedroom. I could never handle being alone, at night, in a place like that. But, I'd never know that from the pictures.

I'm crossing every finger, saying every prayer, wishing on every star that someone makes a decision this week, papers are signed, and I can be moved by next weekend. Optimistic thinking never hurt. And pessimistic certainly won't get me anywhere.

I've made the rounds, had farewell dinners, packed all the boxes.... Now to just get those dates in order.

More tomorrow on my latest projects... one of which is teaching me how much acrylics really do suck.

Llamas are just ghetto alpacas

2009-03-12T00:27:00.001-04:00

Agree or disagree? I have to say I love Miranda Lambert's comment about llamas and her wish to own an alpaca. Who knew they can cost up to 100K though. Really? That is one crazy expensive animal!

Its been a long day, full of the tantrums of a almost three year old. But no news. I'm tired.

One piece of good news

2009-03-10T22:28:00.002-04:00

Mom got good news today. There are no other spots of cancer in her body. They are still exploring treatment options for her, she has to talk to doctors about a round of chemo and a round of radiation. Luckily, we are in Boston, where one of the most world renowned research centers on cancer is located, and they are hopeful that there will be a study to involve her in, as it turns out the cells that were bad were of the rarer forms of cancerous cells. It is a relief to have that news behind us, and know that the prognosis is all good at this point.

I still haven't heard anything on my move just yet. I'm still waiting, and hoping that news is coming sooner than I think. The moving company is anxious to book my move too... which is good, cause the last time I dealt with a moving company they kept my stuff hostage on the opposite coast from me for over a month. I must rather this over eager approach. I do have a couple of offers of places to stay if I do want to head out to Chicago now, before the apartment is ready, but I'd rather avoid those. I'm not fully comfortable staying in someone else's space. And I want to make this transition as easy as possible on my stress levels. I think I need that right now... as I've been on over load lately.

I did manage to finish up the bag that mom wanted today. Its wrapped around a box and drying after being felted this evening. She'll be happy to have it, as she requested it for mother's day last year. It is a slightly different shape and size from the ones I've made before, mostly because I lost the pattern somewhere in the middle of America on one of my tours and had to create it from memory. But, I think I like the shape better than my original bag. Now its back to working on my sweater...

Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers for mom and the family was we went through this testing process.

Maybe Tomorrow?

2009-03-09T23:11:00.002-04:00

For a few weeks now the date of March 10th has stuck in my head as a day I'd learn something about my move. Tomorrow is March 10th, so here's hoping that the feeling stuck in my head holds true and I do hear something. I am trying to keep the mindset of I'm closer than I think. Pray I'm right on this one.

Today was a truly gloomy day here in Southern Massachusetts. I needed to turn on the lights as soon as I woke up... usually I get to sit curled in the sun for the first few hours of my day as it streams in my windows. I did finally finish up the second of my fingerless mitts though, as I needed a quick project to get some level of satisfaction for completing something. I've just got a few rows of the thumb left to do. I'm slightly upset that the thumb on the first one had to be pulled out (and destroyed) due to my knitting it in a counterclockwise direction, which gave me a purled thumb rather than a knitted thumb. Because of this, I need to break into the second ball for just the thumb. I do hope to make a hat as well out of the same yarn, so I guess its good that I bought multiple balls.

I'm feeling a bit blase lately. I feel so run down by life. I want to have a place where I can curl up and forget about everything that is going on. I kind of want to talk, but I don't know who I want to talk to or words to say what is going through my head. I guess I just want someone I can be quiet with then. I want to know when I get to move. I want to know the results of mom's tests (she goes for those tomorrow afternoon). I want her to not be worried or stressed. Or for dad to be either. I know all of these things will come with time.

I just really hope that tomorrow brings good news all around... for mom to not have any other spots of bad cells, and for a moving date to be set. Say a prayer... Cross your fingers... Light a candle... Find a four leaf clover... And send me a laugh if you've got one.

People say the darnedest things...

2009-03-07T23:43:00.002-05:00

Said by my 60+ year old aunt, in front of my mother, in regards to her up coming hip replacement surgery:

"Well, I've just got to think to myself, its only a hip replacement, at least I don't have cancer like Betty (aka mom)."

Said by my favorite 3 year old, while we were out shopping the other day:

"My jacket is a slippery little sucker. It keeps falling off."

Her mom had no idea where she came up with that one. She's also request that I send her postcards when I move away... refused to discuss (using those words) potty training... and knows that credit cards are for shopping. She keeps me laughing constantly.

Still Waiting

2009-03-05T22:53:00.002-05:00

It seems like I spend so much time waiting these days. Waiting to hear this or that, get this news or that news. It drives me a bit crazy. I'm working on staying calm and not letting it get to me too much. But, right now, I'm feeling a bit anxious.

The last I heard on my apartment was Saturday. I don't know when I get to move yet. I really just want to know that date. It seems like so much will hinge on that information. When I can book the movers, who came back with a very reasonable price quote. When I can be on the road. When I can start working and make some money to pay off the loans I just took out to pay for school.

I'm developing a nervousness about it all. I'm questioning whether or not its going to work out or not. And that is driving me crazy. I'm trying to stay focused on positive and relax... but I feel on edge as this week draws to a close with no more news. I actually took my friends advice this morning and woke up and screamed. It let a bit of the tension out... especially when I woke up still exhausted (which could be the combo of being out til 2 am with friends who were in town with their tour combined with the stress of waiting)

Mom had a PET scan today. They gave her this note to take home saying that she would be radioactive for the remainder of the day and that she wasn't allowed to hold any babies or play with any kids. I found that entertaining, as we joked that she'd really been making WMDs in the backyard. She'll find the results out on Tuesday, and hopefully that will be good news.

I've been doing lots of praying and trying to focus on being calm and focused and positive and knowing that good things are coming. Its a different way for me to handle things, and has left me feeling calmer and less agitated and worried.

I just hope I get news soon!

Making Progress

2009-03-03T23:29:00.003-05:00

Check one of the to do list: The movers came today and checked out my boxes. I'll hopefully have my dates soon, so I can get stuff on the truck and start on my way. I'm excited to stop at Niagara Falls. And to start decorating my new place and making it a home.

Check two on the to do list: I electronically signed all the documents for my school loans... UGH. More money I owe to Sallie Mae.

I'm also making progress on my Somewhat Cowl.

I've started in on the waist decreases. I need to do some needle switching tomorrow and try it on again and see how its working. Its been a quick knit so far... I've been working on it for just over a week now.

Mom has to go in for more tests in the coming week... a scan to make sure there are no signs of suspicious spots any where else in her body. But due to a complication of the first surgery taking too long and her blood loss, there is a high chance she'll have to go through another surgery. I think the part that bugs her the most about that is spending another 6 weeks post that surgery recovering. She's been laid up now for 5 weeks, and is slowly going a bit stir crazy as her inability to "live" life. I can't imagine what another 6 weeks added onto the 3 more she still has to go will be like for her.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring dates for the move... I'm anxiously awaiting news as to when its REALLY going to go down.

Boxes and Tape

2009-03-02T01:20:00.002-05:00

Well, a couple of boxes are packed. A couple of items are in the donate to charity pile. A ton of papers have been burned up (yay for fireplaces and it still being winter). Several loads of laundry are done. But there is still so much more to do. I must be productive tomorrow.

I finally had the conversation I've been waiting to have for the last month. After a conversation with a good friend and mentor last night, I couldn't take much more waiting. I tried calling C, but when I didn't get an answer, I sent an email that bordered on over the top... I was angry and hurt and felt like I had been cast out and lied to. Granted, it could have gotten his attention because I mentioned mom's bad test results... but either way, we talked and maybe we are on the path to the friendship part of things. I think it will be a slow road... Not that that is a bad thing. And now I have someone to help lift my tv onto its table when I move to Chicago. And help me get a couch up two flights of stairs when I purchase that.

I also got a bit more done on my somewhat cowl sweater. I joined it into the round, so now its time to figuring out the shaping for the bust and the waist. I've already made a couple of modifications, after measuring the raglan sleeves on my FLS I decided to only do a 7 inch diagonal rather than the 10 that the pattern called for. I can't even imagine how baggy the arms would have been if I had stuck to the 10 inches.

And now as its almost 2 am... I think its time to try and get some sleep.

Sparkling Argentinean

2009-02-28T23:33:00.003-05:00

(a toast with the sparkling wine with gold flecks in it that we convinced a winery to open for us at the end of the evening)

Last night I splurged on attending the NY Wine Expo. It was great fun and I sampled wines from all over. My favorite being a sparkling Argentinean dessert wine that I sampled. Quite tasty and definitely one I want to find and enjoy again. Although I did have an enjoyable time, I don't think I will attend another wine expo. It was just too impersonal to really enjoy and taste the wines. I much prefer to visit the actual wineries, and hear a bit more about the individual wines and how they were made and have actual time to savor each wine and taste them. I felt a bit rushed and like it was an inconvenience if I wanted to taste more than one of a wineries offerings... mostly because there had been a crowd of people in front of me, and there was a crowd of people behind me all vying to sample the same things.

Tomorrow I have to tackle boxes and packing... which seeing as its supposed to be rainy and snowy seems like a good way to spend the day. Although I wish I could ignore the boxes and curl up with my knitting and get more done on my sweater. Hopefully I'll get some of both done.

I'm trying to remain at peace about the rest of my life. Its been 4 weeks since C and I spoke... which saddens and angers me. I'm trying to remain optimistic about mom and her prognosis. I'm excited about school and nervous about working and going to school at the same time. There are moments of feeling like I'm on a roller coaster, but I also know that all the twists and turns that I'm having now will eventually give way to a bit of track that has fewer loop de loops.

Pink and Purple Stripes

2009-02-27T11:00:00.002-05:00

I've been helping good friends of mine redecorate their house. They've just finished remodeling their basement, and two days ago, we moved onto the nursery (for the second daughter they are expecting in April). The colors for the nursery were chosen by their almost three year old daughter... who is the ultimate in girly girl, for a three year old at least. We painted a wall in stripes yesterday, and if I must say so, I'm good at this striped wall thing. It came out looking really cool and added this fun touch the room. (and I tried to convince the three year old she wanted to convince her dad to paint polka dots in her room... I don't think I was successful though....). I am very glad I am just renting my apartment though, as I have no desire to paint anything else in the near future.

I did get good news on my place in Chicago. It looks like my friend will be able to close on her new place by the start of the second week of March. YAY. I'm so relieved I don't have to look for other options. I have movers coming on Tuesday to give me a quote of how much its going to cost me to get my stuff to Chicago. I had thought of going with a UHaul, but I'd need people to help me carry boxes and mattresses and tvs up two flights of stairs, and I just don't have those. So, paying others to do it is the way to go.

And the semi good news on mom is that there was only one small patch that had "bad" cells in it. Everything else was clear. She gets to see an oncologist on Tuesday, who will give her the next steps... which could be treatments, test or just monitoring. But it sounds like its the best news to come out of this situation.

And now I'm off to visit some friends and drink some wine for the night. To enjoy a day or two before I burry myself in boxes and boxes of stuff. Of which I have lots. :)

Isn't there any good news?

2009-02-24T23:00:00.002-05:00

Today was another day of not so good news. I still wait to hear about when I can get into my apartment. I'm going to have to start looking at other places next week if I don't hear anything. I want to be in a place by March 15th, as orientation for classes is on April 2nd. That gives me half the month to get settled and explore my new city and figure out how I'm going to work 1.5 hours outside the city and take classes in the city three nights a week.

The not so good news comes in the form of mom's test results. The preliminary results came back with that dreaded 6 letter word. I keep hoping that when the tests from the bigger hospital come back, they show that the test from the smaller hospital is wrong. I'm not quite sure how to take it. Or how to process it. Its like this every growing stack of challenges I have to face these days. And I don't know why they are being stacked against me (although I'm not sure that is the word I want to use).

Does anyone have the magic wand to wave?

FINISHED!

2009-02-22T18:43:00.004-05:00

Lookie! Lookie! I made a sweater!!

I'm so happy with how it came out. The sleeve shaping could have gone a bit better, but for the most part you can't tell that when I have it on. And the bottom button is a bit crocked, but for my first experience with button sewing... I can't complain. It adds a touch of character, yes?

Almost there

2009-02-21T21:31:00.002-05:00

Well, the sweater is at least.

I've got about 8 lace repeats of the last sleeve left to do. Then blocking and buttons. Hopefully I can sew on buttons straight. I've never sewn a button before. I always took the lazy route and had the dry cleaners repair buttons in the past. Perhaps this will be the start to a new talent.

The last skein of yarn was horribly tangled. I put it on my swift and connected an end to my ball winder, as one normally would do. But half a turn of the winder had the skein being pulled off the swift and yielding quite the mess. It took me almost two hours to untangle the mess, which ended up being three piece of yarn. One really long one, one kind of long one, and one really short one. I've never had a skein with multiple yarn piece in it before. As I started to untangle it, it felt like a metaphor for my life right now. I feel like its a tangled up mess of pieces. I only hope that I can be as successful at untangling that mess as I was at untangling my yarn.

I never heard anything more from my friend as to any updates on what is going on. In part, I want to start looking for other places, but its so hard to judge a place based on pictures alone. Especially, when I am comparing those pictures to the loveliness of the apartment that I already did see. I am thinking it will work out, but I don't want to trust that it will work out and then be scrambling to find a place and get loans secured and get settled in at the last minute before starting classes. (I feel like that tangled mess of yarn!)

Its been a dull Saturday night around here. I made another batch of cookies... a version of chocolate chip with toffee chips added in as well. Not quite as tasty as the chocolate chip ones of last week. I think these ones had too much butter (is there such a thing?). I'm working on getting a plan that will allow me to link to a site where I can have the recipes I make and create a database of them, along with notes and hints and tips. I think I have a good idea, but I'm also debating a new site for this blog too, so I have to make my decision on that first. (and again, tangled mess.... can't a snap of my fingers just solve everything?)

Tick Tock, tick tock

2009-02-19T19:56:00.003-05:00

I'm still waiting for news on when I get to move. I did finally hear back after reemailing again today. But she doesn't know anything more about when they get to move. ARGH. She might know more tomorrow. I'm anxious to get out there and settled in. And anxious to get working... I've gotten emails from the lighting shop about when I'll be out there, which is good, but bad when I can't tell them an answer. And I need to get working so I can better apply for loans to pay for the rest of school. I did one loan preliminary application today, and they want to charge me 12% interest on what I borrow. Which just seems ridiculous for a school loan. I'm hoping that applying to a private loan, as opposed to Sallie Mae will give me a lower interest rate. But, in order for that to happen, I need to have a job, and in order to have a job I need to be in Chicago. Everything is hinging on everything else.

I'm believing that it will all work out, and sooner rather than later, but there is that slight doubt in the back of my mind... Every now and then, the anxiety takes hold and I freak out about what is going on in my life. Why can't I just get one stressful situation at a time instead of the four or five that I'm currently dealing with?

I'm trying to distract myself with knitting. I've almost got one full sleeve on my sweater. I'm hoping to have it (sleeve 1) completed tonight. And then the sweater will almost be wearable. I also did a swirl of the JoJoLand Swirl Shawl. I think the swirls will make for quick little knits that I can work on between things, as it only took about an hour to get a swirl done. At least I'm not just sitting and watching bad tv... I'm actually creating something while I do so.

Is it time to move just yet?

2009-02-16T21:23:00.002-05:00

I'm starting to stress a little bit about my future apartment. I emailed my friend who is living there now to find out if she had a new closing date for the place she is purchasing, but she has yet to get back to me, 5 days later. I hope I'm not going to have to do an apartment search from afar for a different place. But, I'm a little stressed at the lack of response.

It was an ok weekend, despite being bombarded with jewelry ads and chocolate for the first portion of it. I spent Valentine's Day with a bunch of gay boys... which was fabulous. We ate chinese and talked about every subject under the sun. Very low key, and full of laughs.

The down point was tonight, when driving home from hanging with my brother and his wife, the radio played three songs back to back that Crash and I felt had described our relationship. They were songs that made us think of each other or that we had played for each other. It was like a punch in the stomach, as I can't for the life of me understand why we are where we are right now. I don't like being estranged from someone I love. Its so hard to trust that I'm where I'm supposed to be, when so much feels confused in my heart.

Boycotting the day..

2009-02-14T15:39:00.002-05:00

I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day. Its so overdone. All the jewelry adds (especially the Jared ones), and the pushing of love in your face. I'm all for love, but this year, well, it just makes me miss what I had a bit more. I don't feel it any less. Although it is tinged slightly with anger, disappointment, and a host of other emotions in regard to the lack of communication and sudden change of things in my life.

I'm trying to focus on the loving me side of things. In general and today. And when it comes down to it, I have lots to love in life. Friends, family, new adventures, the adventures I have had (who else can say they saw 35 of the 50 states this year alone?), somedays I have to convince myself I am the fabulous person that I am and that not having a husband or kids yet doesn't determine my fabulousness. If I had those things, I'd not have been able to travel for my job like I have for the last two years. I'd not be able to pick up and move to a new city to start school just because I know its time to do that. And I do love me a good new adventure...

Ok, enough of love... Time for chocolate! :) (insert mug of hot chocolate here!)

I'm making progress on my sweater. I had to rip back my sleeve, as I had attached it on the wrong side. So, I had been knitting it inside out. I thought something looked odd, but I couldn't quite figure it out. Then I looked closely and realized that the body of the sweater was on the purl side, while the arm was on the knit side. I'm almost to the elbow on the left sleeve though... won't be long now til I have a full sweater.

And now I must go get ready for the 10th annual anti Valentine's Day Party.

I got mail!

2009-02-12T22:03:00.002-05:00

The post man brought me my swap package today. NutmegKnitter sent me some great stuff. I've already eaten half of the Flipz (they are my favorite!) and I had been looking at the hot cocoa for a month now, every time I set foot in a Target. I can't wait to actually try a cup. And Tony (the blah buster tiger) is adorable. THANK YOU!! (Hopefully this new yarn will bring me a complete pair of socks... as opposed to just a portion of a pair.)

And for the week 4 topic, I'd have to say fall is my favorite season. It is the one I missed the most when I was living in Vegas, the land of no seasons at all. Nothing compares to the colors of Fall, especially here in New England. I love the red of the sugar maples.

I'm making some great progress on my sweater. I bound off the body the other day and started in on one of the arms. I'm using a two circular needle approach, as the magic loop method didn't really work for me, and although I thought I had size 8 dpns I really had size 9s. Which suddenly explains to me the difference between end one of Crash's scarf and end 2... I was trying to figure out why it seemed skinnier when I finished it. Its because I knit half of it on 9s, and half of it on 8s.... hmmm....

I think I may have second fingerless mitt syndrome. Even with the tease of a contest if I get them done by Saturday, I've yet to cast mitt two on.

Thank you everyone for the congratulations on my acceptance. I just need to find out when I can move into my apartment and start my journey half way across the country. I'm planning a stop at Niagara Falls, as I've never seen it before, and its one of those must see things on my list. And figure out all those need to buy things in order to fully set up an apartment.

ACCEPTED!

2009-02-10T13:15:00.002-05:00

I got the official letter in the mail today. I was accepted to the program I applied to and will be starting culinary training in April in Chicago. Who's coming to visit me and eat my homework?

Now to just pack all the boxes, hire a moving van, drive out there, unpack, buy a couch and new pillows, decorate.... I think I'll stop there, for that list sounds a bit daunting right now.

I think I got good news today...

2009-02-09T22:25:00.002-05:00

This morning, the financial aid office from potential future school called me. And wanted to discuss my award letter and if I was interested in taking out loans for my everyday living expenses. The call concluded with the counselor telling me he would be putting my award letter in the mail before the days end. I think this means I must be accepted. You don't get financial aid award letters unless you need financial aid, right? I don't want to get my hopes up or assume anything until I have the letter that says "Congratulations, welcome to the class of 2010!"

Hopefully I will have more certain news on that soon.

I am trying to focus on the fact that no matter where I end up and what happens, it is what is meant to happen and where I am supposed to be. I know culinary school is where I am supposed to be. I have wanted to go for more than a year now, but kept saying to myself, I'll do that later, when I'm done with this, when I have more money, when I... etc. And then I suddenly realized why do I keep saying I'll do this when x,y or z happens? Why aren't I doing it now? I guess I just don't know if Chicago is where I'm supposed to go. But then again, I got an admissions counselor who wore cowboy boots and was a roadie too...

So, I'm trying to just look forward. I think it will be much easier once I have the letter that tells me if my future is at this school or not. Right now I feel stalled. I've never been good at waiting.

I think i ate too many cookies...

2009-02-08T20:25:00.002-05:00

Mom got to come home from the hospital this morning. And aside of the fact that her bed is too tall to get in and out of easily, is enjoying being home. She's recovering well, and not even needing pain killers. A side effect of the medicines they did give her seems to be that food doesn't taste all that good, so she asked for chewy chocolate chip cookies. I gladly obliged, and then ate too many myself. But, oh they tasted good. I think I found a virtually perfect recipe for chocolate chip cookies... and then made it better with a blend of milk and semi sweet chips.

I need to get back to my knitting. I want to get my other fingerless mitt done this week. Its starting to get warmer here (hopefully winter is drawing to a close) and I'd like to wear them before spring. And I really want to finish up my sweater and start on the next one. I think I have 3 inches or so of the lace left on the body and then I am able to switch over to the sleeves.

And hopefully there will be good news from school in the next few days. I am so anxious to know if I was accepted or not.

Now if only I could kill this feeling inside. The wanting him to call, but having no clue what I would want to say (if I want to yell cause I feel hurt and left behind, or just listen and know how he's been and what he's been going through). The missing of the conversations we used to have, and that I wonder if we ever will again. I know that I need to focus on me, which is something I am trying to do. But I still want one of his hugs and his words to comfort me as I try to deal with all these other stresses of life. One thing I do know is that I am looking forward to being in a new place that is mine. I realized that I do like being alone... truly alone... in a space that is mine. And I can't wait to have that again.

And I also need to get my Cocoa Swap Package into the mail. Its been a bit difficult to put together, as the sendee never posted much on her blog. And then I had these issues with an etsy.com seller who hadn't mailed out a mug I purchased four days after I had paid for it and then got touchy when I asked why there seemed to be a shipping delay. She ended up canceling out my order, and now I need to find a different mug and box everything up so it can be on its way.

Recovery

2009-02-05T22:06:00.005-05:00

Although not as smooth as the doctors hoped, Mom came through the surgery and is on the recovery road. I didn't get to see her today... the surgery took double the time they thought, so it was after visiting hours before she made it to her room. I'll go visit tomorrow, and combine a visit to her and helping some friends paint there basement on Saturday. And if things go well, she'll be home on Sunday.

I'm still waiting to hear news from culinary school. But, I've had a more up day than I've had all week today. I wish I had work to distract me... but that will come soon enough. Its good that I'm home and here at this point in the path of life. I'd be a mess if I was out on the road and mom was going through everything that is happening now.

Even if I don't get it right now, there really is a bigger plan than mine in action.

Is it over yet?

2009-02-04T22:41:00.002-05:00

I'm ready to be done with this unemployed/depressed stuff already. Its been three weeks since tour ended, and I'm slowly going crazy. I know in part its due to the stress of life (with mom, C and the waiting to hear about school), but I'm sitting on my couch doing nothing most days. I can't even get motivated to go to Target. I wish I had the motivation of a job to get me out of the house and doing something to keep my mind busy and not stuck in this pit that it is in. I think too much, and the most unproductive of thoughts. I feel a bit lost and alone.

I'm still waiting to hear from school and if they are going to accept me or not. I'm very anxious over that... and slightly pessimistic with everything else that has gone on in life as of late. I don't know why they wouldn't accept me, but I still fear they won't want me as a student.

Tomorrow is mom's surgery. At least then she'll be on the full way to recovery, as opposed to this in between state she's been in for the last week. Hopefully she'll quickly recover, as I can't imagine how stressful this house will be with three out of work, overly bored, antsy people stuck in it. UGH!

If only I could be in Chicago now. I could be working and busy enough to keep my mind occupied and not dwelling on everything else that is going on.

Sad snow mitts work

2009-02-03T17:51:00.004-05:00

I'm having a sad day today. One where I feel blah and dull and bored. I miss what I had weeks ago. I miss having someone to send random messages too all day. I miss getting random messages that make me smile. I miss having work to do, especially now cause it might keep my mind occupied and not thinking of all the things I don't have right now. My head feels like that annoying child that constantly asks why. Except right now, none of the whys have answers to them.

I did have a good call this morning, and if I were in Chicago already, I'd be able to be making money. The lighting company I work for wants me to come work in the shop. So, hopefully, in a months time when I get out there that offer still stands and I am able to work around school with it and make a decent wage to support my living. Its a little something to be happy about, but I can't seem to shake this mood.

I spent yesterday and today working on a pair of fingerless mitts. I have one completed. I'm happy with everything except the thumb. It was supposed to be knit, but even though I knit it, it came out in purl stitches. So apparently I had the stitches on the needles in some sort of backwards manner. I'm debating pulling it off and trying again as it is a speck tight.

You can't tell when I put it on though. So, we'll see. I do love how the cabling came out and how quickly it knit up. I did have a couple of false starts with another pattern. I cast on and got three or four rows in, only to discover that both of my wrists could fit in one mitt at the same time. Not sure if was the pattern or me... but I love how this one fits. Now to just get the second one done. And the matching hat I have planned.

REALLY REALLY?

2009-02-02T12:01:00.003-05:00

So, I thought going away for the weekend, I'd come home and life would be smoother and calmer and less stressful. Um, not so much.

Mom is having surgery on Thursday. Which should be the end of the stress for that situation. They have confidence that she will heal quickly and be back to normal soon. But it still is surgery and a 6 week recovery process. At least that means the end of the issues she's been having.

In relationship terms, things got more confusing and unsure. Although, I'm not sure those are the right words to use. We spent almost all night talking on Wednesday into Thursday. He is dealing with depression and general unhappiness and uncertain feelings about life. He doesn't know if he wants the things I want, despite our conversations in the past where he brought them up first. We didn't pull the plug on our relationship, but I'm not quite sure where we can go from here. The issues that we deal with independently mirror each other, and perhaps that is bad for us together in a romantic sense. Right now, I feel a bit lost and confused. Trying to deal with all the changes in life and know that maybe what I want and what he wants aren't the same, but I will be ok even if that is the case.

I did splurge on lots of yarn on my NYC field trip this weekend. Unfortunately its all in purple. I really need to branch out in my color choices. I also had a great time catching up with friends. Dinners were low key and filled with good food and wine and conversations, which is what I was looking for.

REALLY?

2009-01-27T22:06:00.003-05:00

Its been a hellish few days in my world. My mom has been in and out of the hospital since Saturday. She's potentially looking at some major surgery of the female sort in the next few days and definitely in the next few weeks. Its been a scary/stressful/I don't want to play any more time in life. Keep her in your prayers for me, if you would...

I'm off to NYC tomorrow for a few days. And hoping the snow they are predicting isn't too bad for my drive. I get to see C, as he'll be playing MSG. We're planning on turning his hotel room into a beach for the night... as both of us just need to escape. Paper umbrellas in our sodas and white sands around a blow up pool while it snows outside. Might be kind of fun, no? He wants to see Ground Zero as well. And then I'll spend the rest of the weekend with my girlfriends. A quiet night of dinner and wine bar on Friday, and then dinner and drinks on Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone that I haven't seen in several months. And spending some time in the city. I think I might try to hit the Met... and definitely some of the yarn stores... I'm hoping to find some buttons for my sweater and something fun for my swap partner.

I'm not sure I'll be back before my return home on Sunday night. I'm thinking not, as I'm not planning to travel with the computer for this trip. For the cocoa swap week #3 topic, I like my cocoa naked for the most part. Unless I'm splurging on it at Starbucks, and then I get it with the whipped cream. Or someone else has set out marshmallows for me. I'm much too lazy to go find them myself, and they go stale before I am able to use them all, so I rarely keep them on hand.

2009-01-23T22:50:00.003-05:00

I want to go HERE!

Doesn't it look like fun? Knitting in the Alps. Who wants to join me? I think I'm going to start saving. Maybe I'll go next year... as a graduation present to myself.

I made croissants tonight. From scratch. I have to work on my dough rolling skills, but other than that, I am quite impressed with myself. They are doughy and flaky all at the same time.

Although we do have lots of them to eat in the next day (I've had four already!). Butter overload! (there is an entire pound in the recipe!)

I'm also making great progress on my FLS sweater. I'm so happy with the yarn and the look of it as it knits up.

I'm glad I marked off the lace in sections... I've had a couple instances of forgetting a yarn over, but luckily with the markings I did, I can catch it close to where it was missed and its not obvious in the pattern. I think I've got about 10-12 lace repeats before I get to the bottom of the body. I need to start looking for some cool buttons.

In the more personal saga updates... C and I have finally talked, and things are better. Not all the way better, but on their way. For some reason, just after visits together, something gets out of whack with us. He starts thinking of the future a bit too much... and that always creates issues. So hopefully, he'll stop thinking, and we can just enjoy what we have... which is pretty darn good.

And now I return to my boring Friday night at home. May your Friday nights be more exciting than mine.

Hot Cocoa, My way...

2009-01-23T13:46:00.002-05:00

I missed the topic of the week for the first week... Mostly cause I procrastinated too long. So, here's this weeks topic... Hot Cocoa, my way...

2 ounces strong espresso

1 quantity of your favorite hot chocolate mix (homemade mix up or packet)

3 to 4 ounces vanilla silk soy milk

Dissolve the hot chocolate mix in the espresso. Add the soy milk and steam to desired temperature and frothiness. Enjoy with marshmallows or whipped cream or other topping of your choice. If you want a bit more flavor, add in a splash of Torani syrup in your favorite flavor.

Enjoy in a thick mug... preferably while not running around like a mad woman making sure there is no mess on any tables and no one has dropped food on the chafers while serving themselves lunch and that there is enough soda and water in the fridge and napkins in the basket. (yes, I am scared from work... Its so nice to have the time to enjoy hot beverages curled up with my knitting or a good book now!)

Another day at home

2009-01-21T18:05:00.002-05:00

Its been a fairly productive day for me. I got most of my application put together for culinary school. I wrote the main essay about something that had influenced me. I wrote about my paternal grandmother and paternal great grandmother. Neither of whom I had the chance to meet, but who managed to influence me. My great grandmother with a love of cooking - she had a room in her house dedicated to raviolis, and my grandmother with her love of knitting. I have to do some final editing work on the personal statement about work experience and previous school experience... but the plan is to get that done tonight so I can mail it all off tomorrow. I've been told I'll know the results in less than two weeks.

I've still not heard a word from C. Its been since Saturday night on the way to the airport that we had a conversation. I don't know what's going on. My email and texts have been ignored. I'm confused and curious. Does silence speak volumes or is no news good news? Now my life is a country song and a cliche....

I need to get back into my knitting. I want to get my sweater done. Its been sitting since Friday. I just can't seem to focus enough to pick up the needles. I also need to get my blah buster done for my swap partner. I've found the pattern I'm going to use, and it shouldn't take me long once I get started on it. Maybe during Top Chef tonight... I have several hours of catch up to accomplish before tonight's episode. Prime time for knitting. And hopefully not too much thinking.

Up and Running again, kind of...

2009-01-20T21:50:00.003-05:00

On Thursday night, I turned off my computer in preparation for my early morning flight on Friday. I went to turn it on a few hours later when we began to wonder about changing my flight to a day or two later. Alas, it didn't respond. (And using my phone, we found that it would cost more than the original price to change the ticket.)

In the end I did end up staying an extra day, due to complications due to the bitter cold weather that was Friday. My plane was delayed several times, and apparently if this happens, they'll let you change your flight to something the next day. The extra day was great... I got knitting done, due to the lack of computer access and got to spend an extra night curled up and being held tightly.

I returned to MA on Saturday night, to falling snow. And it didn't stop until late on Sunday. There is well over a foot of snow outside at the moment. It's strange seeing so much snow. Its been years since it snowed so much... at least that I can remember. Monday I dropped my computer off at Apple in hopes that they would figure out why it wasn't turning on any longer. And on the way home from that, my car started making odd noises... which turned out to just be a screw that loosened up from the recent repairs. (but took a trip 20 minutes away to drop it off for less than an hour and then back again to pick it up). When I returned to apple on Monday night, thinking I was getting my computer back in working order (and with power), I found out that they only thought they had fixed it. It once again wouldn't turn on for me. So, in the spirit of great customer service, apple transfered my hard drive to a new (brand new!) MacBook. Its great... its an upgrade from my former model, the keys are back lit, the case is all metal... I love it!

In other good news, my rental application was approved. So now I just have to write the application essays and get accepted to culinary school. And then Chicago here I come!

Although, I'm a bit conflicted due to the confusion that is mounting in my relationship. I'm hoping that the thoughts are just in my head, and what is in his head isn't about us. Although, I may have jeopardized that with text messages and emails... Its kind of like the Faith Hill song right now...

Baby tell me where'd you ever learn

to fight without saying a word?

Then waltz back into my life

like it's all gonna be alright...

Don't you know how much it hurts...

When we don't talk,

when we don't touch,

when it doesn't feel like we're even in love.

it matters to me

when i dont know what to say

don't know what to do

don't know of it really even matters to you

how can i make you see

it matters to me

My life really is a country song! And I feel like my writing is completely disjointed. Sorry about that...

BRRRRR....

2009-01-15T20:20:00.002-05:00

According to the weather application on my phone, it is -10 degrees here in Chicago. That was 30 minutes ago. I'm sure its colder now. And doesn't take into account the windchill. I walked 10 feet outside the front door today to get to the laundry room and my damp hair froze. And I'm moving here? ACK!

I went to see my future apartment yesterday. I love it. Its got huge expanses of windows in both the living and dining rooms. Yes, it has a separate living and dining room. A nice sized bedroom that will fit my bed, dresser and maybe even some other furniture. The living room is enough to fit a couch and love seat and chair.... and desk and bookcase and tv/stand. And still have lots of space. So now I need to find Chicago-land friends, as I actually have enough space to host dinner parties! The kitchen is a bit small, but its bigger than the one in NYC and I made that work out just fine. I'm going to talk to dad about maybe building a counter top unit to put into the dining room to use as a chopping/prep area, plus storage for the appliances like the toaster and the coffee pot.

I also went to visit the future school too. I loved the facility they have... everything is new and recently remodeled. The admissions counselor was the perfect match for me too... he had formerly been on tour and he was wearing his cowboy boots too. Anyone believe in signs? Now I just have to write two essays for the application part. One about something or someone that has been an influence on me... And then a personal statement. I had no luck today on getting those accomplished. I think it was too cold to think.

I have made progress on my FLS. I have the sleeves separated off and have gotten through two repeats of the lace pattern. Its moving along quite well, and I'm really happy with it. Purling was tough to get back into a rhythm with, it felt so awkward after so much time doing the knit stitch. But the rhythm is coming back the more stitches I get done. There are a couple of mistakes in the lace pattern, but I'm hoping those won't stand out in the finished project. I think I forgot a yarn over here or there. Nothing major though.

Other lesson of the last few days... don't use preshredded cheese in homemade mac and cheese. It leaves the distinctive taste of uncooked flour behind. The boys didn't seem to mind though.

Ok, now I'm going to go find a fire to warm my toes by... ok, not really. I don't think Crash or his landlord will like me very much if I burn down the building...

Missing my camera

2009-01-13T22:35:00.003-05:00

Today was one of those days I constantly asked myself why did I not bring my camera with me on this trip? I didn't bring it because I packed as economically as possible, and there just wasn't room for it, but today I saw so many things I wished I could have caught on film. I drove out into the country side of outer Chicagoland to visit a friend from my years in college. We hadn't seen each other since our graduation in 2000 (and discussed how it was one year until our 10 year reunion!) and it was great to catch up. She has two adorable little girls, who were much fun and added laughs to my afternoon.

On the drive out, there was a coating of snow across the corn fields, and several older worn barns. The colors were vivid against the blue sky and white snow as today was the first day that I had seen the sun in so many days. I wish I had had the ability to pull over and catch some of the images that are still in my head. Hopefully there will be similar conditions on a future trip out that way.

I'm making progress on the sweater. I've finished the increases, and am a couple of rows away from starting the lace and separating the sleeves. Unfortunately, I am having issues counting. The last attempt at this had to be removed due to a wrong count, (granted I hadn't counted at all) and I don't want this to end the same way. Hopefully the next count will give me the desired number of stitches. I have gotten the count right on once... so hopefully its there. I am planning on tossing in some stitch markers once I get going on the lace repeats so that I can tell immediately if something goes wrong with my counts. I figure every 14 or 21 stitches so I don't have to tink back too much if a mistake is made and or found.

Tomorrow I head downtown (baring blizzard like conditions) to check out my future home here. I hope its everything I am hoping for. And I'm planning to stop by the college where I'm thinking I'll take classes to get a bit more information about the program and how it would work.

Stay warm everyone. Its -1 here right now...

Post ND ramblings

2009-01-12T15:14:00.003-05:00

I made it home from the last of ND on Friday afternoon. It was a fun last bit of the run. Between New Year's Parties, and unexpected dinners, and the end of tour party... I'm still recovering from lack of sleep. the last night I managed to score a total of 2 hours of sleep before my flight home. And all attempts at sleep on the plane were thwarted by utter exhaustion - seems contradictory, doesn't it?

It is nice to be home for a bit. I've been crashed at Crash's all weekend and will remain here til Friday morning. We spent the weekend watching movies and watching it snow. I've done a bunch of cooking, despite the lack of a working oven. He's off at work, leaving me curled up on the couch knitting and reading and enjoying the fact I don't have to go to work. Tomorrow, unless the next snow storm stops me, I'm heading out to visit an old college friend and her two little girls. And Wednesday I will head downtown to see the apartment I am going to rent here, and maybe catch up with an old student of mine (from my one summer of teaching back in 2002... she was in high school at the time, and now she's a grad school student!). I am definitely enjoying the lack of schedule, the chance to do ordinary every day things (like the laundry!), and the ability to sleep in. I'm hoping the snow doesn't stop my plans for the next few days though, cause I think being house bound might drive me crazy.

Crash was quite happy with his scarf. I'm happy with the finished project.
I managed to finish it on the last flight into Portland. Now I'm on to my sweater, and figuring out a Blah Buster for my swap partner. And maybe a pair of fingerless mitts to join in KM's Fingerless Mitt KAL. Seeing as the only yarn I have with me here is for the sweater, I'll work on that for the next few days, and hopefully get into the lace portion. And then we'll see what happens when I get home to MA and the rest of my stash. I really want to get started on the somewhat cowl. And perhaps a hat that fits me and I won't lose less than hours after I've made it.

I can't believe that another year, and another tour are over. I'm torn about not going back on the road right now. I keep thinking of sending an email to my contact at the lighting company. I probably should, as I do have all this spare time between now and when I would start school. And with living here in Chicago, perhaps I'll be able to do some work there to make money while I am in school. I'm still unsure of what I will be doing to fund my life while I am in school. I will need something to support my cooking habits and my yarn habits. Plus all those day to day life expense of rent and electricity... :). That seems to be my latest worry. And the only uncertainty I am having about this upcoming move. Which I suppose it good.

I am toying with updating my web address too... I can't very well be starting over in NYC when I am in the windy city. I'll have to see how to do that but keep all of the posts I have here. I'm thinking I'll just remove the NYC and replace it with a ?... Lord knows I'll be starting over somewhere else before long. I know I have to do some updates on the format, and the other blogs I read section. All sorts of projects for this time off I'm about to enjoy.

And now to return to the knitting. And the mindless tv watching.

Cocoa Swap Questionaire

2009-01-10T14:21:00.004-05:00

Once again, I've signed up for the Hot Cocoa Swap this year. And finally gotten around to answering all the questions for it. More to come on life post Neil Diamond when I've slept a bit more.

Questionnaire
The Yarn…
1. Do you knit, crochet, or do both?
I knit

2. What is your favorite one-skein project? What item do you find you knit the most of?
I don't really have one at this point. I get bored easily, so I don't tend to repeat things too often.

3. Do you like using a particular type of needle or hook? (wood, metal, straight, circular) Is there something you’ve been wanting to try, or a particular size you always seem to be short on?
metal circulars. I just got knitpicks options needles for Christmas, and am loving them. I also have lots of Addi Turbos.

4. What’s on your needles\hook right now? What’s your oldest UFO (unfinished object)?
A felted bag for mom and a sweater for me. And two unfinished socks. Both have mistakes, and I got discouraged after I messed up. Ask me again next week, and there will be more. The bag is the oldest UFO.

5. What are your favorite types of yarns? Are you allergic to any yarns, or just hate working with something? Anything type/brand of yarn you’ve been dying to try?
I like natural fibers and will spend money on those rather than acrylics. I like soft and smooshy things (who doesn't though?)

7. What are your favorite colors? Brights? Pastels? More muted colors? Variegated? Are there that make you want to stab yourself in the eye with your needles?
I'm definitely a bright person. I love blues and browns and purples. I'm not a big fan of drastic color changes... and tend to only use color changing yarns in socks.

8. What is your favorite knit accessory, your fancy needles? stitch markers? your yarn cutter? What do you have TOO many of? What do you wish you had?
I don't really have favorites of anything at this point. I'm still in the new to this stage of the game. I just got a swift and ball winder for Christmas though, and can't wait to use them.

The Chocolate
1. Do you prefer boxed/packets, or something homemade?
I tend to like the chocolate shavings that you melt into milk. Something rich and creamy and good quality chocolate flavor.

2. Marshmallows or whipped cream?
either

3. Do you use any ‘add ins’?
Occasionally I'll add some Bailey's

4. Are you a year round cocoa drinker or just in the winter months?
Just in the winter

5. Do you like flavored cocoas or are you just a ’straight chocolate’ kind of person?
Straight chocolate kind of person. I do love my mochas though.

6. Do you enjoy cocoa from restaurants or shops like Starbucks? What are some of your favorites?
Starbuck's is good. But their salted caramel one was disappointing.

7. You’ve just made the perfect cup of cocoa - is it in a thick mug, or a thinner cup? Where would you sit to drink it?
Thick mug, curled up on the couch, in front of the fire.

8. You’re enjoying that perfect cup, what treats will you enjoy with it? Are they sweet or salty? Crunchy? Soft and flaky?
It’s all YOU!
salty and crunchy -- chocolate covered pretzels, tortitos, but usually I'm just a cup of cocoa and no sides kind of person.

1. Do you have other hobbies like spinning or scrapbooking?
cooking and baking, reading

2. Do you collect anything?
yarn for future projects

3. What is your favorite part of Winter?
the snowy days

4. What sort of scents do you enjoy? Any difference in what you like for your house versus what you like for your body?
vanilla, spiced apples, fresh baked goods, citrus -- all for the home... not a fan of scented things for the body

5. Are you allergic to anything?
smoke, pine oils, dates

6. Are you on Ravelry? What’s your ID?
yes, Sarahknits28

7. How would you spend an ideal winter afternoon/day?
on a comfy couch with my knitting and reading and laptop and a great movie on tv

8. What’s your favorite animal?
tiger

Only 2 shows left!

2009-01-05T13:47:00.002-05:00

It seems so odd that I only have two days of work left before my tour ends. I know I've bitched and complained about it so much, and can't wait for it to be over, yet I'm oddly apprehensive about it ending. I am going to miss people that have become a family. I've spent more time with my coworkers than with anyone else this year. And most of them I won't cross paths with again. Its an odd feeling. I'm going to miss certain ones. A lot. Others, well... you know.

Its been a crazy run so far this leg. We've had the fun of new year's eve. It ended up being a fabulous night. We took over the balcony of our hotel and drank champagne. I had almost a whole bottle myself, and was as bubbly as the drink itself. It was one of the best celebrations I've been to. It was followed by the travel day from hell, that ended up with a 7 hour bus ride, and me having no time to enjoy my former home of Vegas. I did manage to avoid the ex I didn't really want to interact with on the trip. I knew I would see him, but due to work constraints, the conversation ended up only being about 1 minute long and me recounting the travel day misery.

I'm almost done with Crash's scarf. I've got three more color changes to go to finish up the stripes. Its exciting. I hope he likes it and wears it. I'm nervous he won't like it, or won't be a scarf person (even though he asked for it). I'm hoping to get most of it finished on the bus ride I am about to embark upon. And then I can get back to my FLS sweater. I am looking forward to my time off so I can engross myself in a few sweaters. I received the knitpicks options metal needles for Christmas, and now have the needles I need to make a few of the other sweaters in my stash. I also got a home made swift (yay for dad working with wood! Although its not the umbrella swift he remembers his mom having. Apparently I get my love of knitting from his mom, who used to make knit hats - and iron them on her soup pots! I never had a change to know my Me-mere, but I apparently get my love of shoes and my love of knitting from her.... according to the stories i hear. It was cool to hear my dad tell of her knitting.) I also got a ball winder, and Knitting Lingerie Style (which apparently disturbed the bookseller and my mom.... them not realizing there were socks and sweaters inside... and wondering who would want knit panties?)

Here's hoping I have free internet at my next stop too. I have some more to catch up on here. I feel like I need to do a recap and look forward. I think my brain needs the release of that sort of post right now. But for now, Its a 2.5 hour bus ride to Bakersfield...

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T14:36:00.002-05:00

Happy 2009! I can't believe another year has gone by. Yeah, I know, we all always say that. But so much has happened, and at times things have moved so slowly along. But, once again, here we are at the start of a new year. Crazy!

I did a bit of celebrating last night. We took over a hallway at the hotel here in Fresno, and toasted with champagne, and laughed and had a very fun and low key time. One of the best new year's I have ever had.

I'm getting excited for the changes that 2009 will bring. I'm excited to move to Chicago and be back on my own and meet people there. I'm excited to see what other adventures the world has in store for me too.

But for now, I must go wait for a bus to an airport so I can get to Vegas and be one day closer to the end of this tour.

Back to work...

2008-12-28T21:25:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I fly to Fresno, California. I will spend a few days there, hit Vegas, Bakersfield, CA, Ontario, CA (thats California and not Canada...) and then Portland, OR. And then I am done. No more job. No more long days of serving people breakfast, lunch and dinner. No more boss that makes my life miserable. No more early mornings for a while.

I'm not ready to go back. I want days and days more of sleep. I want some of those days to include Crash. I want nothing more than to have some time to cuddle and be held. And laugh with him... we haven't been laughing much and I need more of that in my life right now. But both of us are stressed. That makes it hard to laugh, and makes it hard for us to thrive. Huh... I just realized that. Hopefully that will alleviate some of the stress we are having. I forgot how important laughing is.

I finished reading a book that had a great impact on me. I Dare You, by Joyce Meyer. I stumbled on one of her speaking programs sometime this fall, and have been reading some of her writings and listening to some of her broadcasts and ministries ever since. This book spoke to me in so many ways. I felt like she was describing the thoughts in my mind in so many of her passages. It definitely helped me through a lot of yesterday. Combined with talking a bit with Crash, crying a whole lot, and praying a whole lot. I am learning how to relax and let go and not be fearful. I think its going to be a long road, but I'm ready for the journey.

I am not however, ready to awake early for a long day of traveling to California.

Having a bad day...

2008-12-27T12:09:00.002-05:00

I'm having a bit of a down day. I slept for 9 hours, but feel as tired as I did when I went to bed last night. I think being back here at my parents house for too long depresses me. It brings back anxieties about what I think I should be doing, not matter how hard I try to fight them. I start to feel that I'm 30, I shouldn't have to live at my parents place. I should have a place of my own, I should be married, I should have kids, I should, I should, I should.

I know I have to banish these shoulds, but somehow, when I come back here they all surface. I'm not looking forward to being back here come the end of tour. And I know this depressed state I'm in is causing stress on my relationship. I know that I want to be married, but I also know that now is not the time for that. But voicing my concern about I want it, drives something into my relationship with Crash. He says he's been thinking. His thinking scares me. Cause it seems when he thinks, we self combust for a few days. Something draws us back together, but I still have this fear that I can't let go of right now that he'll run away again. That isn't healthy for a relationship. We talked a bit this morning, but he still says there is more he wants to discuss with me. After my breakdown the other night, he said he got a bit depressed and sad cause I can't just trust and believe that God has me on the right path. I worry and question. i always have. I'm working on learning to trust and believe and have faith, but it is also hard.

In the past I would have just gone, now I question more. Especially when it comes to this move. I didn't question my move to Vegas, i didn't question my move to NYC. But for some reason, I keep questioning this move to Chicago even though an affordable apartment has been handed to me on a platter. Why is that, I wonder?

I need to find a state of peace with all that is going on. I need to let go of fear... fear of my relationship being wrong, fear of my wants being wrong, fear of making a mistake, of being in the wrong place, of doing the wrong thing. Now if only I knew how to do that. Anyone have any ideas?

Five Courses, all a success

2008-12-26T19:45:00.003-05:00

Happy day after Christmas. I hope no one else decided to brave the mall like I did. I got the call to come pick up my computer, which is partially fixed, and spent just under an hour in the mall. I then spent over an hour trying to exit the parking garage.

Yesterdays feast was quite a success. Everything came out just as I had hoped it would and was enjoyed by the family. Recipes were requested as well, which is always a good sign. My brother survived the change in menu, and actually went back for seconds. The cheesecake was rich and creamy. The tenderloin was perfectly cooked. The only issue was the complaints when I apparently sliced the cheesecake in pieces that were too large. No one but my family would complain because I am giving them too much cheesecake.

I did have a mini breakdown last night though. Its been a tough month with missing Crash and not being able to spend the holiday with him, or to know when we will next be able to spend time together. Combined with my anxieties about moving and next steps in life, in my state of exhaustion last night, I collapsed and was awake at 3 am, second guessing everything (and crying on the phone with him). I keep listening to Crash talk about trusting God's plan for life, and then I start questioning is the planning I'm doing my plan or God's plan? Am I planning this move to Chicago because its God's plan or because its what I want to do? I guess the only real way to find out is to do it and see what happens. The opportunity to have an apartment there seems to have fallen in my lap, so there is that door that has been opened for me. Perhaps I just need to think less, and just go with it. At least that's what Crash kept saying last night...

Christmas Cooking (and trama)

2008-12-23T20:22:00.003-05:00

One of the things I most look forward to at Christmas time is all the cooking I get to do. Today started my kitchen adventures. I made thumbprint cookies and ginger kringles. I made chinese pork dumplings. Then I made dinner of lemon chicken and manchego risotto. And then I finished up the evening with my first batch of homemade pasta, which I turned into raviolis. Tomorrow brings cheesecake and pasta sauce, and then the big day of Christmas will be the beef tenderloin roast with sides (preceeded by the raviolis and an antipasto and followed by the cheesecake). It has been a busy day.

It has also been a bit tramatizing of a week. In my attempts to get my shopping done yesterday, I was in a car accident. I walked away, but my car limped (well, it was towed). I'm waiting to hear about how bad the damage is, hopefully I'll just have to pay the deductible and she'll be fixed when I get home from tour. I was pulling out of a parking lot, and due to the driving skills of an old lady, I didn't see the young girl coming along much too quickly on her inside and pulled out. Had the girl swerved the other way, I'd like to think she wouldn't have hit me at all, but instead she swerved into the direction I was heading, and hit my drivers front tire and door with quite a bit of force. I could barely exit my car, and certainly couldn't get back in. And her car had no visible damage at all. So, I am now at the mercy of my parents chauffering me around utnil I get my car back, as I didn't get rental coverage on my insurance policy.

All my shopping is now done though, and the only thing that remains is to wrap things up. We'll celebrate Hanukah on Christmas Eve and exchange presents then. And Christmas morning will bring bundles of things under the tree. And my tasty meal! (cross your fingers my ravioli don't explode when they go into the boiling water....)

This crazy life I lead...

2008-12-20T22:30:00.002-05:00

I am finally home for my Christmas break. It was quite the travel day, starting with my departure from the hotel in Salt Lake City at 5:20 AM. I've never seen security lines like the ones I waited in at 6 am this morning. And the first flight went uneventfully, even getting me to Detroit early. But my arrival there left me with the knowledge that my flight onto Boston had been cancelled. After talking to a couple of gate agents, I was on standby for the flight at 3:20 and confirmed for a flight at 7 pm. I was getting ready to settle in with my knitting and perhaps accomplish the finishing of the scarf (the sweater needs much work, as I had to frog it and start over due to the extra stitches... the lace pattern just wasn't working out right and as hard as I tried I just couldn't get that many stitches back on the needles after ripping back.). But I was soon paged back to the gate where I was told there were so many of us trying to get to Boston, they had established a new flight and brought in a new plane. It was an international plane, so lots of room, and off we went to Boston, only an hour and half behind schedule. Had it not been for the ninety minutes I stood at the luggage carousel waiting for my bags, it would have just been an exhausting day. But that turned it into an exhausting and frustrating day.

I'm home safe though, in the winter wonderland of Massachusetts. Its been snowing for two days now, and promises to continue on tomorrow. Its been quite a few years since I had a white christmas, so I am looking forward to it. I'm planning nights of sitting by the tree with my yarn and some hot chocolate. And lots of thinking on what comes next in life. I'm thinking of looking into culinary schooling. And moving to Chicago. There are a couple of programs that I am interested in learning more about and seeing if they will work for me. The pastry chef on my tour is planning on purchasing a home, and has offered me a sublet on her apartment if her offer goes through, and its right in my price range. Its only about a 30 minute ride from Crash, and only a little over an hour from Upstaging if I were to get work doing lighting things. So, much thought must be given to that over the next few days.

Also there is much cooking to do. I'm attempting my first homemade pasta this Christmas. And completely bogarting my families meal. My brother might have a coronary, but change is good. I'm planning roasted beef tenderloin and crab stuffed shrimp, roasted green beans, and some form of starch. And hopefully dad will make some homemade bread. I'm slightly daunted by also excited about it.

My computer is off to Apple tomorrow to see what its problem is. For some reason it hates to turn on these days. I can usually convince it to do so with some shaking while holding down the power button. Not so effective in the long run, so while the warrantee is still in effect, off it goes to get tuned up. Hopefully it isn't too serious.

Happy Holidays everyone... may your days not be as crazy as mine seem to be right now.

Project Updates

2008-12-09T10:59:00.004-05:00

I've got two projects that I am fully enjoying on my needles right now.

First the sweater....

I am loving my FLS. The yarn is beautiful, it knits up fabulously, and I think the color is perfect. I've got one repeat of the lace work done after the separation of the arms. There is one mistake that I think I fixed... but we'll see. I somehow lost count on the top part and increased one extra time, leaving me with 8 extra stitches somehow. I think I balanced them out by making a larger button band. And if I am off, the mistakes in the lace will be under my arms.

And second, the scarf....

Finally on try three I have a scarf that I love for Crash. I bought some Knit Picks Andean Silk yarn, and I decided to go with an on the bias technique. Based on the pattern for the clapotis, I started with two stitches on my needle and increased at the end of every row until I had enough width. Its knitting up really quickly, and I love how it looks. Third time is the charm on this one. I hope he likes it as much as I do. (He is all nervous about what I may have gotten him for Christmas presents.... as its not a big deal in his family, but mine fills a room with presents for each other.)

I'm off to Atlanta in just a bit. More knitting to be done on the plane. And later tonight if I don't have too much beer with my dinner. My computer is acting temperamental. It doesn't always want to turn on. Two days ago I had to shake it to get it to turn on (and trick from really old apple computers that my dad told me about as a way to jar the hard drive into motion.).

I am counting down the days until this is over. I have less than two weeks til Christmas break (I need to do some shopping!) and then only 10 days of work after that break. Its exciting to think about. Everyone is so over being out here. We are all tired of just about everything about being out here. I am going to miss certain people though. The ones that have become the real members of my road family. I am working on finding the time to have a conversation with our production/tour manager about future jobs that might allow me to switch to the production roll I'd love to have. I really need to make that happen in one of the next two show days.

But for mow, I'm off to pack up the computer and bring the bags to the lobby. And settle into the bus with my knitting.

Has any one else noticed...

2008-12-07T09:34:00.009-05:00

... that Starbucks has a yarn theme this Christmas??

I was excited when I noticed the balls of yarn. And then I noticed they even have a cabled mug (didn't get the phone out to take that picture though.) Sometimes its the small things that you can find entertainment in, isn't it?

Back in the States

2008-12-05T20:40:00.002-05:00

I'm back in the states. And traveling down memory lane tonight. I'm in Worcester, where I spent my four years of college and the better part of the year following college, and I'm having such flashbacks.... dinners at Ping's, nights at Cafe Dolce, the nights of the following year hanging out on the WPI side of the city, so much happened over those five years that helped me find who I am.

We play the arena here tomorrow. My parents are coming up to see the show and deliver the yarn for Crash's scarf, attempt three. Third times the charm, right? We have 7 cities left to play, including here, before our break for Christmas, and then only five more after that. I'm looking forward to the end. Although, I'm wondering what will come after this is over...

Lots has been going on in my personal life. But those are stories for another night, when I have more time to delve into them.

Knitting wise, I'm making great progress on my February Lady Sweater. I am using the Berroco Wool/Alpaca blend, and I LOVE it. It knits up fabulously and quickly, feels great in my hands, and is really sturdy. The colorway is a great camel brown with reddish and purple fibers in it. (Pictures to come soon!). I've got the sleeves separated off and am working away at the body. I've got the first lace repeat done.... how many more before the end?? I can't wait to have it done... hopefully I'll get it finished when I have my christmas break so I can show it off before tour is over. I will need to put it off to the side and work on the scarf for a bit though... hopefully that will be a really quick knit though. I do only have two and a half weeks to finish it.

And now, in the excitement of Friday night, its off to bed for me. Work is early tomorrow morning...

Gobble Gobble

2008-11-27T09:45:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope your days are blessed with turkey, stuffing and pie (most importantly pie!).

I am lucky enough to be about an hour from home on this stop of the tour, and am thankful I get to spend the holiday with my family. There is only one person missing... but he's getting to spend the day with his family... so its ok. (here's hoping I convince him that Christmas with presents and laughs and board games isn't as scary as it sounds though).

Hope you all have a happy day and have lots to be thankful for this season. (I'm also thankful for friends that show up and take me to yarn stores. Now I have the perfect yarn for my February Lady Sweater!)

I need more needles!

2008-11-26T13:18:00.002-05:00

I'm longing to knit more. I'm waiting for yarn to get here for Crash's scarf, but I'm not going to be able to get that til a week from Saturday. And now I want a new project. I like the scarf I'm working on for me, but its not fulfilling enough. I want to cast on a sweater. But for most of the ones I want to make, I need new needles. Or yarn that is not with me on the road. (thankfully I get to fix that later on when I go home for Thanksgiving). And I'm hoping that Santa brings me the Options Needles from Knit Picks I am asking for. I may cast on for the February Lady Sweater later, as I do have the needles for that, and a yarn I think will work. That might change when I get home and look at the yarn again though. There is also another hat I'm thinking of making. We'll see what happens when I get to the yarn and see what I have. I really wish I could just hop on over to a LYS and pick up something new to work on. Alas, there is no way to get anywhere from here today. I'm stuck in the middle of Connecticut at the Mohegan Sun.

I had a great fun evening, that included way too much drinking last night and a bit of a morning hangover today. I did only lose sixteen dollars though... And managed to get most of the drinks for free. Its fun to have those nights out every now and then. To let loose and forget the stress of my working situation.

I really should gather up some stuff and pack to leave here tonight. But the motivation to do such things just isn't there. I'm thinking a Johnny Rockets burger and shake might fix that though. Or completely destroy any motivation I have. Not sure which.

Surviving Frigid Temps and Fighting a cold

2008-11-22T10:03:00.002-05:00

I am barely surviving up here in the cold north. I've not been outside since Wednesday. And won't until tomorrow morning and I have to go to the airport. I've been fighting off something or other... a virus, a cold, I don't know. But my throat has been irritated, I'm sneezing and I'm exhausted. I think I feel better this morning... but we'll see how I feel when I get to working for a few hours.

Luckily the last few days have been really mellow and easy. We've not had full out meal times just yet, as we've been in rehearsals. Today is the first show. So, hopefully it goes smoothly. The one good thing is knowing the exact end of the day. I'll be back to my bed by 10 pm at the latest. Yes, I'm a young girl who is looking forward to being in bed as soon as she can on a Saturday night.

North Dakota seems to be very flat and very desolate. As well as very cold (I think the thermometer read 3 at one point last night... 3 Fahrenheit that is). I'm off to Wisconsin next... I don't think its much different there. Perhaps more beer though, as we are heading to Milwaukee.

I'm loving the pattern I choose for the second start of Crash's scarf. But I'm not sure on the yarn. I might have to change my choice and order something new. Have to decide that in the next day or two though. I'd love to get some good cashmerino for it... but I'm not sure I want to spend that much. Right now I'm using an alpaca, but its just not as soft or drapey as I'd like it to be. Any good ideas for a guys scarf yarn?

Next stop, the cold north

2008-11-18T20:48:00.002-05:00

I head back to tour tomorrow. And by back to tour, I mean I head to North Dakota. North Dakota is cold. I mean really cold right now. Its supposed to be in the high 20's tomorrow. And the high teens the following day. UGH. I don't think I have clothes warm enough for this. Especially since I lost my hat just a day after I made it. I hope whoever found it needed it more than I did.

This break has been a crazy one. I feel like I still need another week of rest. I think I tried to do too much, and it call collapsed in on me.

The time with Crash was good, but trying. I feel so comfortable with him, that I let all of my guards down and ended up becoming quite the emotional basket case while we were together. I found myself being clingy, needy and overly emotional. We ended up having a long conversation about this behavior and how damaged I am finding myself. I spent too much time in emotional abusive situations... where guys I was dating criticized my looks and killed myself confidence and where I allowed myself to be used and taken for granted. Allowing people to take advantage of my nature has been a long standing fault I have. I realized following my talk with Crash that this has been going on since high school. I want people to like me, and allow myself to be a doormat to those guys who I am attracted to. It is something I need to work on, cause for the first time I have a guy who loves me, who doesn't want to see that happen. Who wants me to live my life fully and completely, yet share a life with him. Its a huge issue I need to work on, but to know I have someone to stand with me, and help me work through it is great.

It's hard to be dealing with this issue coming back to the surface right now. I want to avoid going back to work, where I am also allowing myself to be taken advantage of. Perhaps in a different way... but I don't stand up for myself and demand things like breaks and the chance to sit down during a work day (which results in a very over tired and stressed out me, and other medical issues, including the deterioration of the knee I injured years ago). Also, I need to start seriously thinking of what is coming next for me in life. Where I am going to live? Work? Do? I have so many questions and so few answers. I think I need to be not on the road so constantly. I want to have a spot where I can cook dinner and curl up and knit and be able to have a knitting circle or reading group.

Its going to be a long few months... surviving the last 6 weeks of this tour, working on me and getting the real me out of her shell again, figuring out where I'm going and what I'm going to do when I get there, and not imploding or exploding.

I made a hat today!

2008-11-10T17:35:00.003-05:00

I feel very accomplished right now. I made a hat today. I cast on about 12:30 and I sit here with a completed hat on my head. And its a quite cute hat if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a beret with the Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Superchunky that I picked up this weekend in NYC. But alas, its more of just a cute hat. It didn't get to the beret shape at all. Could be that i didn't up my needle size from my 10.5s to the 13s that it called for in the body of the hat. I didn't have 13s... so I just figured I'd wing it. And I almost ran out of yarn. I had to skip the straight knitting rows in between most of the decrease rows. So, its my version of the super-simple fast and easy chunky hand-knit beret...

And check out my new hair... I added bangs and got a new color. I am still getting used to how the bangs feel on my forehead, but I love how they look. Cute, eh?

The weekend in NYC was good. I much preferred the quieter times than the loud brunch, but it was great to catch up with friends and be back in the city. I hit three yarn stores, and only bought one skein of yarn... which is now the hat. I couldn't refuse, it was on sale and matches my winter coat perfectly. I picked up a pair of ballet flats, which feel just like having slippers on my feet. The food was good, the company was better, and I've had my fill of the city for a bit.

Tomorrow I head to Boston to spend days with Crash. I'm already packed, which if you know anything about me, means I'm beyond excited for this visit. I never pack til the last minute. I'm not sure I'm liking the pattern I choose for his scarf. I'm going to give it a few more rows tonight and then make a decision on it.

How are your projects coming? Any fun changes going on in your worlds?

ARGH!

2008-11-06T21:03:00.003-05:00

Tonight I got out my sock to work on. I was figuring I might be able to have one sock finished before the end of the night. Unfortunately that is not the case. I have significantly less of my sock done. I got through one round and realized a stitch had been dropped. In attempting to get it back on the needle from where it sat, several rows below my needles, I lost yet another stitch.

So I pulled stitches out for a few rounds, and tried to get them all back on the needles. And failed miserably at that.

So I pulled out a few more rounds and tried again. And that didn't work either.

I went and had pumpkin cake with way too much icing, much to the amusement of my parents. And then I had an idea of taking a sewing needle and thread and running that through the stitches. So I did that, and slowly and painfully pulled stitches back onto the needles. I got what looks like all of them, yet doesn't add up to all of them. I have all of the sole stitches but am missing three of the top ones. Which I guess I will just add in on my next round. I think where it has a pattern on the top, I just knit stitches together that should have been kept separate. At least I didn't lose the hole thing... I just don't get to start the second one just yet.

I need to get better light for the room I stay in when I'm here at my parents so this doesn't happen again. Especially with the dark yarns I am using for the current projects of these socks and Crash's scarf.

Tomorrow I am off to NYC for the weekend. After I get a new hair color and cut. I'm hoping there isn't much traffic and the drive is quick and easy.

BREAK!

2008-11-05T11:08:00.002-05:00

Its official. I have two full weeks where I don't have to wake up at 5:25 AM.

And what did I do on my first day of not having to wake up? I woke up, wide awake, at 6:45 AM. UGH.

Ah well, its a travel day, and I'm off to the airport in just a few minutes. I fly to Chicago, where I get to spend 2 lovely hours in the airport waiting for my next flight. And then, I'm on to Boston. It will be so nice to be home for a few days and away from the stress of my job/boss.

I finished the scarf... it was a quick knit. But I seem to have issues counting to four. Especially in the bind off row. Ahh well, it still looks cool. And I really love the color combination that my friend choose. I'm going to try and block it a little bit when I get to my parents place. See if I can get a little stretch out of it, as its a touch shorter than I had hoped it would be.

I'm working out the pattern for Crash's Christmas present scarf. I'm going to see if I can make this mosaic pattern I found work for it or not. The pattern comes from a sock pattern and was established in the round, so I have to see if I can make it work or not for a back and forth knitting experience. Alas, the yarn for that got sent home in a box, so I have to wait til tonight to give that a try. I also think I'm going to purchase the pattern for the Somewhat Cowl and get that cast on while I am home for break.

I need to do some thinking about my next steps in life over the course of this break. I only have 21 work days before the conclusion of this tour. I'm not sure what I want to come next. I know that this job has made my headaches worse. I wasn't suffering from them nearly as much before I started this tour. Or even at the beginning of this tour. I need a change. But I'm not sure what that change is just yet. Is it leaving the road and finding myself a new home? Is it moving back to lights and staying here on the road? Is it a transition to something else (corporate, production)? A return to school for the cooking classes I think of taking? Hopefully answers will start arriving soon... the countdown to January 8th begins quite soon.

A collage of pictures from my journey to come,,,, I'm off for the last of the packing.

BOO!

2008-10-31T09:29:00.004-04:00

Happy Halloween!

We are winding down to the end of this leg of my tour. Only two cities remain on the list. I'm off to St. Louis, MO in just a few hours, and then from there Green Bay, WI. I kind of feel like that Johny Cash song that they use in the Holiday Inn Commercials. I've covered the country coast to coast yet again.

Yesterday we did a big of decorating for Halloween...
and I carved a family of pumpkins. Finally added some fun to my work day. I apparently have a skill at carving, as I did all four jack-o-lanterns in less than an hour. Its a misfit family though, of leaning and slanted and oddly shaped pumpkins. The attitudes were easier to deal with too, which was nice. I have another two months of dealing with them... well, only 5 or 6 weeks of actually being on the road, but its still time of dealing with the being the odd person out and dealing with the attitudes of my boss, as there is no chance to switch to lighting at this point.

It is time to start thinking of what comes next though. Where am I living? Where will I be working? Who will I be working for? Where will I be going? Ack! Too many questions!

I get to see Crash for a night this weekend. Our schedules overlap and we are both in St. Louis on Sunday night. And in the same hotel, so we don't have to search too far to find each other. It doesn't seem real that I will get to see him. Its been 5 weeks now since we spent time together, the longest we've gone since we met without being in the same place. Things have been really good the past few days... he's making steps to get over his fears of being loved and we'll see where we end up. The first week of my break allows us 6 days of being together, and I'm definitely looking forward to that time.

I'm aiming to finish up the scarf I'm working on in the next few days. With a 2 plus hour flight today and another to get back to Boston, I should be finished before I get home for break. Next up to finish is the sock (and then cast on for the second sock and finish that... I'll need to do some mad knitting so I have those done for my Thanksgiving deadline. Then there is the scarf for Crash's Christmas present scarf to cast on, and the baby blanket which still needs 6 brown squares and 7 green squares to be made. And then I have to sew the pieces together. And I'd like to make a hat that actually fits me. Oye, so many projects! And I'd like to get started (and finished) on a sweater or two so they are finished before the warm weather is back.

Have fun with your costumes and trick or treating. I've not costume this year... but maybe the afternoon will turn one up.

I still live...

2008-10-23T20:46:00.004-04:00

For those of you who may be wondering, I am still alive out here in the crazy world I live in. Barely, but I am.

I've removed my stitches (yes, I removed them myself), and my thumb healed up nicely. The scar isn't even going to be too bad. It is still slightly painful when I put pressure on it, but I'm hoping there is no permanent damage.

Work continues to be long and stressful. The hours are horrible and I fear making mistakes and getting yelled at. Its even gotten to the point of having bad dreams the nights before I work. I wake up in a cold sweat and anxious for the following day. I can't wait for it to be two weeks from now and on break. I am hoping that I can make the transition to the lighting team, as one of their guys is being pulled back to the shop, but I'm not sure that will happen. I need to email the shop and make sure my name is on their radar, yet I am scared of doing that they'll offer me something else that I might have to turn down... Its a tough place to be in, having one job but wanting another, when they are both contract positions that could end at any time.

Crash and I continue to talk and see what happens. We talk as much as before, but no longer profess our love for each other. We've talked about slowing things down and making sure we have a strong foundation so that we have a successful and strong relationship. We miss each other terribly, and he continues to make me smile. I did have a huge fight with a friend over the situation though. She became angry with me because I continue to want him in my life. She attacked me personally for continuing to talk to him and not walking away. There is something there though, and I can't just give up on him and us just yet. It feels like the right thing for me, and that is what I have to go with. And I hope I'm not wrong.

I've been working on a scarf that a friend asked me to make for her.
Its been interesting, as I'm knitting it lengthwise, which leaves me with about 275 stitches on my needles. I'm working the one row scarf, yet I keep making mistakes along the way, so I guess its just a random pattern at this point. I'm hoping I have enough stitches on the needles and it ends up long enough after I block it out. The yarn she chose isn't my favorite, and I thought frogging it would destroy the integrity, so we'll see...

I spent today at the Florida Aquarium, which was a perfect way to spend a day off. It was nice to wander around in the silence and watch the fish swim around. Many of them were a bit camera shy, but I did manage to get off several good shots. But they had no penguins. Which are among my favorites.

After that, I spend the day sitting outside with my book, enjoying the wind in my face and the water being beside me. And then had dinner with a good friend... one of the few I've managed to find out here on this tour.

I'll try to post again before I leave the world of free internet... I feel so far behind and like I might have missed half of the catching up I wanted to do. But now its time for sleep... How sad that I go to bed at 9 am...

does anyone have any good news for me?

2008-10-08T22:11:00.002-04:00

As KM put it the other day, my life is a country song.

Unfortunately, it seems to get sadder as the days go by. Crash and I have been texting and talking like normal. We just don't say i love you, and don't say I miss you as often. It is good to talk to him. But alas, both of us have been to the doctors in the past two days. He has bronchitis and I have 8 stitches in my thumb. I told him this morning that he needs to just accept us, cause obviously when he doesn't, we have issues. (the last time we split, he ended up in the hospital with a hole in his intestines.) I'm not counting on anything, just going day by day and talking. Who knows what will happen. My mom was funny, she told me the other day that she didn't think things were actually over when I told her about our split. So, we'll see if mom is right or not. I mentioned that I had spent a few hours sitting on the beach in San Diego and how I wished there was more time to do so, and Crash responded that we still had our vacation to look forward to. So we'll see how things work out. Day by day, moment by moment...

I also got news that a person I had been friends with while I lived in Vegas was killed over the weekend. It was 2 weeks short of his 22nd birthday. He was found with his ATV on top of him somewhere in the desert outside of Vegas. So sad that someone so young is gone from this world. He always had a smile and a good hug.

And then last night I was rushing to dry dishes at the end of the day cause the dish washers were so far behind. In my rush I ended up dragging the blade of a steak knife across my thumb, and required 8 stitches. I can't use my thumb... And am in fairly extreme pain. Its quite difficult to do the most ordinary tasks... like using a spoon. Or pressing the space bar as I try to type. And I don't even want to think about how it will affect my ability to knit. Or do all of my job.

anyone got a good joke or a happy story to share?

Days in LA

2008-10-03T22:14:00.002-04:00

I've been in LA all week. I'm so not a fan of this city. There is something that just turned me off the first time I visited here. A gut reaction to the city. That its not for me.

I have managed to make the best of my days here. I caught up with an old college friend for dinner on Monday night. It was great to reconnect after 8 years of not having really spoken and not having seen each other. It was as comfortable as it was in those early days of college. Oddly enough, she nursed me through the days following my first heartbreak as an 18 year old girl. The heartbreak was different this time around, but the comfort was the same.

Today I caught up with KM, who has become a friend through this world of blogging. We were paired up months ago for the Hot Cocoa Swap, and have kept in touch with comments and emails. And finally met face to face today. It was like meeting an old friend. We chatted, we knitted at a cafe, and I survived driving in LA, something I said I would never do. (I also hit her recommended yarn store here and picked up yarn for a version of this sweater. I'm going to take the cable out of the front and just have it around the neck area.)

I'm slowly dealing with this issue of Crash. We've emailed a few times. He can't handle the relationship because he is stressed by being so far away from me, and caring so much about me. I don't understand that. I get such joy from the little things, counting down the days til we are together again, planning ahead to the vacation we were going to take, the incredible feeling of love I got when ever I read a text that said I love you or I miss you, our cute little sayings. I only wish he could relax and enjoy our love, rather than stress and worry about it.

I read this today and it hit me that I have to let go of it. And just be here and enjoy my life. And trust that even though I want this, perhaps it isn't the right thing, or its just not the right time. I truly hope its not the right time... but also accept that perhaps its not the right thing. Only time will tell, and I just have to trust in God and wait and see where life takes me and us. I want to think that this is unfinished, that I will get another chance. There were so many connections and chemistry that we had, and I can't believe that those aren't real and that he could want to run away from something so great. It is really hard to let go and let God. I want to change things, want to yell and scream and shake him and make him see. But I can only control me. So I'm going to keep living, and see where this road I'm on is going. And maybe he'll come to his senses.

And now I am going to curl up in bed. My alarm will go off at 5 am for another long day of work. Oh the fun, the joy.

Now the questions in my head are different ones

2008-09-29T21:35:00.002-04:00

I don't get boys. Not at all. How can they love you, but not want to be with you? How can you be their favorite person, but at the same time be stressed about being with you? How can they look into your eyes, and then less than a week later say I can't?

I'm officially a single girl again. Broken hearted and a bit beat up too. Confused beyond all question too.

And I can't stop from tearing up. I think I'll skip falling in love again. It never ends well, it seems, well, at least for me.

Another day, another city

2008-09-25T20:27:00.003-04:00

How time seems to be jetting by. This schedule is keeping me properly insane. And I feel like I've not had time to write and keep up with the happenings going on in my life.

So, here it is... updates...

First off, knitting. My sock is coming along.

Slowly but surely. There are mistakes in it. But just in stitches. Like I didn't line up the herringbones from the ankle portion to the foot portion. Luckily they are in a dark color, and you can't really tell at all. I love the yarn. And I love how it is fitting so far. I don't think I'll ever be able to do a knee sock, as I get so bored and just want to put the heel in NOW. So, lucky for me, I'm a fan of short socks.

It was great to have my couple of days with Crash. It turned out that the thoughts of a 24 hour bus ride to get to Denver from Seattle prompted him to join me for the couple of days and fly out. We relaxed, we wandered, and we had a great time. Definitely a much needed break. But Counting Crows were such a disappointment. I was so looking forward to seeing their show, but they really didn't do their songs any justice at all.

I did decide to stay where I am and not take the lighting gig that was offered to me. I just knew that the chance of being away for Christmas was too much for me. I'm happy with my decision. I am a bit skeptical about what comes next for me though. This tour has been extended once again, we have dates for November and December now. (luckily the day after Thanksgiving gig is close enough to home for me to spend the holiday with my family thought). I have doubts whether or not I'll still be where I am though. I've been having lots of doubts about life lately. Not quite sure why though. I really do want to get back to lighting and hope that I will have the chance to do so. But missing someone as much as I do miss C, its hard to be out here on the road. Both of us have discussed how much longer we want to be out here and apart and not knowing when we'll see each other again. I started thinking about moving to Chicago and looking at apartment options. It looks like I'll be able to afford something nice... we still have to get into the whole discussion of me moving, and living arrangements, which have been really weighing heavy on my mind lately. Need to start having that discussion. Do we live together? Do we get separate places and then spend every night together, effectively wasting money?

I have this general feeling of apprehension these past few days. Am I doing my job well enough that they'll want to keep me on? (we did lose one of our chef's for this leg cause he wasn't cutting it... what if they want to lose me?) Will I get the chance to be a lighting tech again? (obviously, I do believe that I will... but I'm just impatient for it to happen) When do I move or do I even move? (thats a huge discussion that needs to happen)

A lot of stuff is fueled by the missing of Crash after feeling so completely at home for the days we were together. I hate this feeling like a huge piece is missing when he isn't here. Part of it is fueled by the fact that my dad lost his job on Monday. I know its going to be so hard on my parents. And now I'm fearful that my job won't last.

And I'm stuck out here in a hotel outside Sacramento with no where to go to, which really sucks. I hate being stuck alone and with my thoughts. Especially on days like today, when my head is lost with my far away love and his head is lost in his thoughts.

up and down, back and forth

2008-09-17T21:44:00.002-04:00

At the moment, I'm in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Its kind of pretty up here. The trees are all turning yellow and there is fall in the air. I do need to pick up a fall coat though, as the mornings are decidedly chilly. Of course, I'll be in California before the month is over, and the weather will most likely warm up when I get there. So we'll see.

Its been a crazy few days. The show in Portland wasn't cancelled, and now it is cancelled. But it will cost almost 300 dollars to fly Crash to his next show in Denver, and he just had to have a route canal. So, although we may only be a few hours apart, and both have several days off, we might not get to see each other. Which is driving me crazy. I found a way to get myself to him without spending a fortune on a rental car. But finding a cheap plane fare is crazy right now. Even southwest wants $266 before taxes and fees. And he just had to have a root canal, which sucked up his discretionary cash.

In other news, I got a job offer to go back to lighting today. But it leaves me very conflicted. I was offered a position on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular tour. The problem is that I need to decide by tomorrow, leave this tour in a week, and then not get to celebrate Christmas with my family or Crash. My immediate reaction to getting the job offer was to burst into sobs. Not a good sign. It just doesn't feel like the right choice for me right now. But I'm scared that not taking it will ruin my chances of getting another tour in the future. It seems like neither answer is the right one. So, its a matter of choosing the one that is less wrong. I wish someone would just tell me what to choose. I have til Friday morning to make the choice. But at the moment I am leaning to staying where I am.

I am completely drained from all the brick walls I feel like I have run into today. And the several real obstacles I ran into over the last few days (a ice cooler closed on my head leaving a bruise beside my left eye, I stood up into a wooden box while making coffee, and I hit my head on the tv on the bus as I tried to stand up to leave today).

My sock has a heel and the start of an instep. My coworkers want me to teach them to knit. I'm still trying to figure a final pattern for Crash's scarf. Thats all the knitting news I have to offer. Hope everyone is well.

A bit lonely

2008-09-12T21:19:00.003-04:00

I flew back to work yesterday. It was a bit odd getting on a plane on September 11th. Especially flying out of Boston... where two of the planes had originated. The day passed uneventfully and left me deposited in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada (or the middle of nowhere, essentially).

Its odd being back. It was a very low key day, where we only served a late breakfast and a lunch. A good way to ease back into things. It was a bit of an overdose to go from being home alone during the days, to surrounded by my coworkers. I had to leave the bar last night after eating as I was getting overwhelmed by so many conversations. And tonight, I'm feeling a bit lonely, and at the same time have no desire to be around anyone. I think it stems from being tired and transitioning back to work from vacation.

That and the wondering if a show is being canceled in ten days or not. If it is cancelled, I can see Crash for two days. There are rumors that it is being cancelled, but nothing has been decided yet. If it is off, we end up in the same city, and I can see his show and spend a day and a half with him, including sleeping in his arms for two nights. If it isn't, I have to wait til November 2nd to see him. Being away from him is harder than I ever imagined it could be. Especially tonight, as nothing would be as wonderful as a long hug and being wrapped in his arms and watching a movie and falling asleep. I'm trying to not get too excited about it or be too pessimistic about it either. Its hard to keep a level amount of reality, when you want something as simple as a hug so desperately. Cross your fingers, say a prayer... waiting two months for a hug just seems so impossible!

I've made some progress on the blanket. I put together some squares and realized I need to get 10 of each color. I've got 4 beige completed and 1.5 green (I'll have two done before the end of the night). So, I'm 1/4 of the way there! I want to have the pair of socks I'm working on done by Thanksgiving time. My sister in law has a rule of no shoes in the house, and what better time to show off a pair of hand knitted socks? So, thats the goal. I also picked up the fall Interweave (I'm a bit behind on picking it up) but there are so many things in there that I want to complete. When will I ever find the time?

Sunny Days...

2008-09-08T19:09:00.003-04:00

I spent today in Newport, RI. I woke up this morning feeling down in the dumps, despite the cloudless sky outside my windows and the perfect temperature. I knew that if I sat around the house I would dwell all day on how much I missed Crash and how I wished we were in the same place. So, I grabbed my camera and headed about an hour south of my patents place to Newport, where the summer cottages of the 1920s are now considered mansions (well, they were always considered mansions, the rich just counted them as cottages cause they were the summer escapes from the city. So even though they have 8 bedrooms and ballrooms inside, they still thought of them as cottages.). I parked at a beach and got a chance to let my toes play in the water... and then I took a walk along part of the cliff walk, which skirts the area between the drop to the ocean and the cottages. It was a perfect day for strolling along and I got the chance to take some fun pictures.

After wandering there for a bit, I headed back to my car and moved to the downtown shopping area. I strolled through a few touristy shops, picked up some gelato and a cookie, and then made my way home. Definitely kept me from dwelling too much on missing Crash and wondering when we can next be together. (Luckily we are both going through this pain, and feel the same way... going crazy without access to hugs and being silly with each other and holding onto each other while we sleep).

The weekend was great, although a bit rainy. The driving on Saturday got a bit much, especially because I did three hours of driving in the rain. But we had a great dinner, and had a great time catching up. Sunday I hit a yarn store in Boston, that left me feeling very unimpressed. It couldn't hold a candle to some of the other shops I've been in. Bre did find some yarn she liked though, and now I've yet another project on the burners, as I promised to turn it into a scarf for her. I really do need to pick up my needles and get working. I've so many projects to accomplish, and I've been so less than motivated to even work on anything in over a week. As tv should be decent tonight, I think I'll cast on and get something done while I watch.

I head back out on tour as of Thursday. Part of me is looking forward to being back, part of me is just wishing that vacation would continue along. That mentality won't help me get out of debt and get a house though....